My favorite color for Skylar is purple, it always reminds me of her, Also especially for her we loved the damask print print and pink. We have a blanket that was that coor made for her.
When Skylar was stillborn I got in contact with the wonderful lady who made her blanke. She made us a another one to match. She will never know how much this meant to us. She is on etsy and her shop is called bugaboo baby. I will again say on her thank you do much for Skylar's special blanket.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Day 7
Where am I now with my grief.
I feel in the middle, somedays I am good others bad. It does hit me more with having our rainbow daughter. I can see sometimes all the things Shelby can do that Skylar never got the chance to do.
Yet we will always love them separately and not to always see one for the other. I always picture holding two girls.
I feel in the middle, somedays I am good others bad. It does hit me more with having our rainbow daughter. I can see sometimes all the things Shelby can do that Skylar never got the chance to do.
Yet we will always love them separately and not to always see one for the other. I always picture holding two girls.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Day 6 Rituals
The only real ritual we have with Skylar is to go and visit her when we are near her spot. Wetry to bring balloon or flowers. We are going to send her balloon on her birthday and on the 18th of the month either visit her or send a balloon to her.
Day 5 Memory
My greatest memory of Skylar when she was born.
I remember the nurse around me crying and my husband on my right side. When she was born I asked the doctor to put her on my bare chest. I don't know if I asked or just patted my chest meaning I wanted her on me.mi remember our midwife Msrcia saying I wanted her chest to chest. I can still feel her warm body in my arms and how heavy she was.
I remember the nurse around me crying and my husband on my right side. When she was born I asked the doctor to put her on my bare chest. I don't know if I asked or just patted my chest meaning I wanted her on me.mi remember our midwife Msrcia saying I wanted her chest to chest. I can still feel her warm body in my arms and how heavy she was.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Day 4
Skylar's legacy she left behind was, she thought me to love more, enjoy evey moment. You never know when it can be taken away.
I love twice on everything, one for me and one for Skylar.
I love twice on everything, one for me and one for Skylar.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Day 3 Myths
One of the biggest mthys on infant loss for me is.
You have other children,
Yes we do but that in no way can replace Skylar. She is a different person than our other children are. She would have had different intrest, friends and personality. I always wonder what she may have become. She would have been 16 months right now. I have no idea what a 16 month old would be doing.
We will always treasure our beautiful girl now and forever, just as we treasure our 7 other children.
You have other children,
Yes we do but that in no way can replace Skylar. She is a different person than our other children are. She would have had different intrest, friends and personality. I always wonder what she may have become. She would have been 16 months right now. I have no idea what a 16 month old would be doing.
We will always treasure our beautiful girl now and forever, just as we treasure our 7 other children.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Day 2
How our daughter got her name.
My pregnancy with Skylar was very different than my other 4 boy pregnancy, I was a little more sicker with my girls than boys.
I always knew I would have a baby named Skylar. Our older girls have S names so it was only fitting all our girls will have S names.
We never really knew till Skylar was that she was for sure a girl. Our early ultrasounds and even 18 week ultrasound the midwife was not totally sure she was a girl. She said she saw no boy parts but it did not mean they were not there. Another ultrasound after the 18 week one showed our m9aybe girl still. Even at the hospital when they checked to see if she had was gone did not show because of her position.
We always loved the name Skylar I found the name Skylar means shelter. She was always sheltered so that makes me feel good. Her middle name came from my aunt Betty Jean who passed away at 18 in a car accident in May of 1974, Now she holds our Skylar Jean tillwe can all be together again. Also her Grandpa Wyatt holds her too.
My pregnancy with Skylar was very different than my other 4 boy pregnancy, I was a little more sicker with my girls than boys.
I always knew I would have a baby named Skylar. Our older girls have S names so it was only fitting all our girls will have S names.
We never really knew till Skylar was that she was for sure a girl. Our early ultrasounds and even 18 week ultrasound the midwife was not totally sure she was a girl. She said she saw no boy parts but it did not mean they were not there. Another ultrasound after the 18 week one showed our m9aybe girl still. Even at the hospital when they checked to see if she had was gone did not show because of her position.
We always loved the name Skylar I found the name Skylar means shelter. She was always sheltered so that makes me feel good. Her middle name came from my aunt Betty Jean who passed away at 18 in a car accident in May of 1974, Now she holds our Skylar Jean tillwe can all be together again. Also her Grandpa Wyatt holds her too.
Capture your grief Day 1
Since my picture is unwilling to cooperate I am going to tell about my pictur. It was of my black and white cat with our orange pumpkin. Not excatly a sunrise but meaning ful all the same.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Capture your grief project
I have never participate d in the capture your grief project that Carly Marie does but thiss year I am going to try. For the next 31 days I will be participating in this assignment. I will always miss our daughter and maybe this will help show more of my feelings about Skylar.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Bittersweet
I have never added this to Skylar's space yet I think Skylar would be happy about this and would like to add this to her space. On May 26, 2013 we welcomed our newest addition and our special rainbow baby. Shelby Jean Wyatt, She was born at 5:18am and was 7lbs 2oz and 19 1/4 inch's long.
Shelby has her big sister middle name, We were not sure we were going to give her Skylar's middle name as we wanted her to have her own name. Yet when she was born at 5:18am Skylar's birthday is May 18 or 5/18/12 we decided to give Shelby Skylar's middle name.
There have been many hard moments along with the best moments. For me the hardest part is knowing our girls should be 1 year and almost 1 week apart. I think about all the sweet things a 1 year old should be doing. How Skylar should be doting on Shelby or seeing how they would get along. Yet we will never see that ever except in our minds. I still cannot open the bag we took to the hospital to have Skylar. I sometimes look at her little dresses she wore yet I cannot bring myself to get out somethings Shelby could use. They are Skylar's and we want to keep them for her. I am going to get another wubbanub for Shelby.
The one thing I wanted to do with our new baby is take her to meet her big sister. It was the hardest thing to do. The emotions were overwhelming, I just wanted my baby back and to know that is not possible is horrible.
With having a new daughter it makes me sad at times to see the clothes that were Skylar's that can't be used for we now use them for Shelby. You would think it would e good to see that her little sister can use them, Yet it is sad at times. i don't mind using the newborn sizes as Skylar could not use them when she was born as she was a big girl at 8lbs 9.5oz.
I am happy Shelby can use them yet miss Skylar all the same. We always will miss no matter how many children we have. The grief is still here and some days is tough to deal with. Now we have someone to help lighten the dark days.
Now we learn to learn to live with life after loss. Something I wish no one had to learn.
We love you Big SisterSkylar our Angel
Shelby has her big sister middle name, We were not sure we were going to give her Skylar's middle name as we wanted her to have her own name. Yet when she was born at 5:18am Skylar's birthday is May 18 or 5/18/12 we decided to give Shelby Skylar's middle name.
There have been many hard moments along with the best moments. For me the hardest part is knowing our girls should be 1 year and almost 1 week apart. I think about all the sweet things a 1 year old should be doing. How Skylar should be doting on Shelby or seeing how they would get along. Yet we will never see that ever except in our minds. I still cannot open the bag we took to the hospital to have Skylar. I sometimes look at her little dresses she wore yet I cannot bring myself to get out somethings Shelby could use. They are Skylar's and we want to keep them for her. I am going to get another wubbanub for Shelby.
The one thing I wanted to do with our new baby is take her to meet her big sister. It was the hardest thing to do. The emotions were overwhelming, I just wanted my baby back and to know that is not possible is horrible.
With having a new daughter it makes me sad at times to see the clothes that were Skylar's that can't be used for we now use them for Shelby. You would think it would e good to see that her little sister can use them, Yet it is sad at times. i don't mind using the newborn sizes as Skylar could not use them when she was born as she was a big girl at 8lbs 9.5oz.
I am happy Shelby can use them yet miss Skylar all the same. We always will miss no matter how many children we have. The grief is still here and some days is tough to deal with. Now we have someone to help lighten the dark days.
Now we learn to learn to live with life after loss. Something I wish no one had to learn.
We love you Big Sister
Friday, March 22, 2013
10 Months and 4 Days
I feel the need to add some older post it takes me a while to write anything. I will be adding more soon.
Today Skylar would have been 10 months and 4 days old.
Where did the time go?
Our precious baby girl, There is not a moment that passes we don't think of her. Some days I cry hard just thinking of how unfair it is she is not here with us. It is very hard to think what would she be doing at 10 months.
Would she be walking? or at least taking steps?
Of course she would be sitting up and playing with the other kids and having a lot of fun. I look everyday at my favorite picture of her. She is wearing the outfit she would have been brought home in. Instead that outfit is carefully tucked into the bag we brought to the hospital. We kept that outfit and every once and while when I feel like I need to, I grab out the little dress, hat and diaper cover and just try to smell the sweet little baby who once occupied it's space.
Skylar was buried in a little white and pink nightgown and her black, white and pink damask print blanket. She was carefully wraped up in her blanket by her Daddy and had to say the one thing no parent should ever say.
Goodbye
Even though 10 month has gone by we never forget our little girl, She is always with us no matter what.
The other day we went to her spot and made it up with her Easter goodies. Now it looks pretty for her. It is hard that is the only physical thing we can do for her. I wish Jesus would come back no and we could all be together.
Soon we all will be Jesus has our baby girl in his arms and who else could we ever ask for to tak ecare of our daughter till we get there. I am thankful everyday for the love he has given us. While we will always wish Skylar was here with us we know she will be there is heaven waiting for us.
Today Skylar would have been 10 months and 4 days old.
Where did the time go?
Our precious baby girl, There is not a moment that passes we don't think of her. Some days I cry hard just thinking of how unfair it is she is not here with us. It is very hard to think what would she be doing at 10 months.
Would she be walking? or at least taking steps?
Of course she would be sitting up and playing with the other kids and having a lot of fun. I look everyday at my favorite picture of her. She is wearing the outfit she would have been brought home in. Instead that outfit is carefully tucked into the bag we brought to the hospital. We kept that outfit and every once and while when I feel like I need to, I grab out the little dress, hat and diaper cover and just try to smell the sweet little baby who once occupied it's space.
Skylar was buried in a little white and pink nightgown and her black, white and pink damask print blanket. She was carefully wraped up in her blanket by her Daddy and had to say the one thing no parent should ever say.
Goodbye
Even though 10 month has gone by we never forget our little girl, She is always with us no matter what.
The other day we went to her spot and made it up with her Easter goodies. Now it looks pretty for her. It is hard that is the only physical thing we can do for her. I wish Jesus would come back no and we could all be together.
Soon we all will be Jesus has our baby girl in his arms and who else could we ever ask for to tak ecare of our daughter till we get there. I am thankful everyday for the love he has given us. While we will always wish Skylar was here with us we know she will be there is heaven waiting for us.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
6 Months Later
Last Sunday Skylar turned 6 months old.
How we wish she was here for us to enjoy, I see babies everywhere like they are some kind of magnet. Some babies cause me to have panic attacks.
Baby boys are okay at times, Girls break my heart. It is hard to imagine what she would look like and be doing at 6 months. I am sure she would be sitting up and playing and laughing at her sisters and brothers.
While in Target today I glanced at a shelf that had baby clothes on it someone left.
Sitting there was a outfit that said My First Christmas in a 9 months size.
That would have fit Skylar, We miss her so much all the time. The pain has not gotten any easier. We go forward like we are being pushed, Not because we want to but we have to.
There is no choice but to go forward. I read other's blog and one blogger has a son born a week before Skylar and another blogger has a daughter born the same day.
I see what she would be doing thru these children. That can be a good thing other times it is bad. The only thing is these children are not Skylar and she would have done things at her own pace.
Now I know the post is a little later than Skylar's actual 6 month birthday so I have more updates and such now.
Now I am learning to deal with the birth of a baby girl in the family. My cousin had her daughter two days ago. No one called or let me know I just found out thru my grandma or on Facebook. It is very hard for me to deal with it. At first I was jealous as she has her live baby now, A daughter!
Something we had but is now gone, I stare at Skylar's pictures and wish she was here.
I am not sure how to begin to deal with my cousin, Do I want to see her baby? I am not sure, maybe out of curiosity. I know I would cry and feel terrible seeing her child. It feels like a slap in the face that her daughter is alive and ours is gone. I know this is the jealousy talking, I should see her daughter as her gift. Sometimes it is hard for me to remember that.
As we get ready for the Christmas Season we will always remember the joy and blessing in having Skylar. I still have to find her baby born in 2012 ornament and we will get her something for Christmas. Even if she is not here physically with us we know she is always in our hearts and minds.
How we wish she was here for us to enjoy, I see babies everywhere like they are some kind of magnet. Some babies cause me to have panic attacks.
Baby boys are okay at times, Girls break my heart. It is hard to imagine what she would look like and be doing at 6 months. I am sure she would be sitting up and playing and laughing at her sisters and brothers.
While in Target today I glanced at a shelf that had baby clothes on it someone left.
Sitting there was a outfit that said My First Christmas in a 9 months size.
That would have fit Skylar, We miss her so much all the time. The pain has not gotten any easier. We go forward like we are being pushed, Not because we want to but we have to.
There is no choice but to go forward. I read other's blog and one blogger has a son born a week before Skylar and another blogger has a daughter born the same day.
I see what she would be doing thru these children. That can be a good thing other times it is bad. The only thing is these children are not Skylar and she would have done things at her own pace.
Now I know the post is a little later than Skylar's actual 6 month birthday so I have more updates and such now.
Now I am learning to deal with the birth of a baby girl in the family. My cousin had her daughter two days ago. No one called or let me know I just found out thru my grandma or on Facebook. It is very hard for me to deal with it. At first I was jealous as she has her live baby now, A daughter!
Something we had but is now gone, I stare at Skylar's pictures and wish she was here.
I am not sure how to begin to deal with my cousin, Do I want to see her baby? I am not sure, maybe out of curiosity. I know I would cry and feel terrible seeing her child. It feels like a slap in the face that her daughter is alive and ours is gone. I know this is the jealousy talking, I should see her daughter as her gift. Sometimes it is hard for me to remember that.
As we get ready for the Christmas Season we will always remember the joy and blessing in having Skylar. I still have to find her baby born in 2012 ornament and we will get her something for Christmas. Even if she is not here physically with us we know she is always in our hearts and minds.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Halloween Without You
Yesterday was Halloween and we celebrated it without our beautiful daughter. Our day was good as could be.
Our son's had doctor appointments so they went there and afterwards we went to visit Skylar.
I wanted to bring the Halloween costume all our children wore as there first costume and take a picture if it on her spot. That way at least she could have "worn" it in some way.
I did not cry as bad as I would have thought I would, I was sad for all that she misses out on. It really is not fair and I see life is not fair at times.
Why do our babies have to go? One day we will know and I thankful to have God that he loved us enough to send Jesus to save us all.
Some days I can imagine the pure pain and torment God felt as he watched his only son tormented to save our souls. He had to watch his only child die for us.
I am sure God felt the same way we grieving parents feel. I don't blame God for taking Skylar, How can I? She is is a beautiful place where she will never feel the pain we feel here.
While I cannot say that I don't wish for a second she was not here with us. I do feel like she brought me closer to God.
I understand the bible like never before, It makes so much sense to me now. Where before I did not know what it was saying.
My favorite passage that we will have put on Skylar's marker is the passage from the book of Matthew
Jesus said Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these. Matthew 19:14
I love this passage, It was a page on read on the Internet somewhere and looked it up in the bible and loved it since then.
As a conclusion to my Halloween post, We all missed Skylar yet we know she is always with us. We love you baby girl.
Our son's had doctor appointments so they went there and afterwards we went to visit Skylar.
I wanted to bring the Halloween costume all our children wore as there first costume and take a picture if it on her spot. That way at least she could have "worn" it in some way.
I did not cry as bad as I would have thought I would, I was sad for all that she misses out on. It really is not fair and I see life is not fair at times.
Why do our babies have to go? One day we will know and I thankful to have God that he loved us enough to send Jesus to save us all.
Some days I can imagine the pure pain and torment God felt as he watched his only son tormented to save our souls. He had to watch his only child die for us.
I am sure God felt the same way we grieving parents feel. I don't blame God for taking Skylar, How can I? She is is a beautiful place where she will never feel the pain we feel here.
While I cannot say that I don't wish for a second she was not here with us. I do feel like she brought me closer to God.
I understand the bible like never before, It makes so much sense to me now. Where before I did not know what it was saying.
My favorite passage that we will have put on Skylar's marker is the passage from the book of Matthew
Jesus said Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these. Matthew 19:14
I love this passage, It was a page on read on the Internet somewhere and looked it up in the bible and loved it since then.
As a conclusion to my Halloween post, We all missed Skylar yet we know she is always with us. We love you baby girl.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
5 Months 2 Days
5 Months and 2 Days our daughter would have been. Where has the time gone? She is never far from my mind. It is always swiriling with thoughts of her.
How would she be at 5 months? How much would she weigh? How long would her hair be by now?
I can only guess and imagine what she would be like right now and honestly it hurts. Some days I have so many questions about Skylar and really there are no answers just more questions.
I went to Hobby Lobby the other day and bought a new picture frame for Skylar's pictures. I love it, It is a heavy glass on both sides and you can put two pictures in it which is what we did. It looks beautiful and I love looking at Skylar all the time.
I look at her and see how beautiful she is, I love her wavy black hair and her tiny ears. Such a delicate baby. Jut seeing her brings me joy.
I also see right now as the time of year we would be picking out Halloween costumes. We have a costume we have used with all our children and Skylar would have worn it. I think what I may do is take it to the cemetery and take a picture of it and at least that way we can have her in it even though she is not here physically. We know she is with us all the time though.
I bought some beautiful Chinese lanterns that we are going to send Skylar as on her actual birthday it was raining so that washed away that idea. We will send them off tonight and let her know we love and miss her so much.
How am I feeling these days.
Somedays I still feel like this is not all real yet, I am only 5 months and 2 days out from losing our daughter so I think this is normal. Somedays you still wake up and get that sad feelings and feel like crying and I know that is okay. Other days you go on and know that someone is missing and just deal with it. Which sucks big time, I am greatful we got to celebrate all the angel babies day on October 15.
Next year we will get a candle and light it, This year we did not have one. I want to find one that is just right for her. I also want to find a way to honor all the babies gone too soon.
How would she be at 5 months? How much would she weigh? How long would her hair be by now?
I can only guess and imagine what she would be like right now and honestly it hurts. Some days I have so many questions about Skylar and really there are no answers just more questions.
I went to Hobby Lobby the other day and bought a new picture frame for Skylar's pictures. I love it, It is a heavy glass on both sides and you can put two pictures in it which is what we did. It looks beautiful and I love looking at Skylar all the time.
I look at her and see how beautiful she is, I love her wavy black hair and her tiny ears. Such a delicate baby. Jut seeing her brings me joy.
I also see right now as the time of year we would be picking out Halloween costumes. We have a costume we have used with all our children and Skylar would have worn it. I think what I may do is take it to the cemetery and take a picture of it and at least that way we can have her in it even though she is not here physically. We know she is with us all the time though.
I bought some beautiful Chinese lanterns that we are going to send Skylar as on her actual birthday it was raining so that washed away that idea. We will send them off tonight and let her know we love and miss her so much.
How am I feeling these days.
Somedays I still feel like this is not all real yet, I am only 5 months and 2 days out from losing our daughter so I think this is normal. Somedays you still wake up and get that sad feelings and feel like crying and I know that is okay. Other days you go on and know that someone is missing and just deal with it. Which sucks big time, I am greatful we got to celebrate all the angel babies day on October 15.
Next year we will get a candle and light it, This year we did not have one. I want to find one that is just right for her. I also want to find a way to honor all the babies gone too soon.
Monday, October 15, 2012
National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day
Today is October 15 and it is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.
This is a beautiful way to honor all the babies gone to soon.
Today we rememebr our daughter Skylar Jean who was stillborn on May 18, 2012 at 41 weeks.
We chose to remember her beauty, The full dark head of hair she had and the perfect little ears. I miss her more and more each day. I cannot believe that Friday she will be 5 months old. Where did the time go?
I was pregnant with her last year at this time, I will never forget all that she is and all that she was.
She has really helped me to become a better person and for that I will be forever greatful
I also will be honoring all the babies who have left too soon and remember them and there Mom's and Dad's.
I pray for peace and healing for all the angel baby Mom's and Dad's
In Loving Memory of Skylar Jean Wyatt
Forever Loved and Forever Missed
This is a beautiful way to honor all the babies gone to soon.
Today we rememebr our daughter Skylar Jean who was stillborn on May 18, 2012 at 41 weeks.
We chose to remember her beauty, The full dark head of hair she had and the perfect little ears. I miss her more and more each day. I cannot believe that Friday she will be 5 months old. Where did the time go?
I was pregnant with her last year at this time, I will never forget all that she is and all that she was.
She has really helped me to become a better person and for that I will be forever greatful
I also will be honoring all the babies who have left too soon and remember them and there Mom's and Dad's.
I pray for peace and healing for all the angel baby Mom's and Dad's
In Loving Memory of Skylar Jean Wyatt
Forever Loved and Forever Missed
Sunday, September 30, 2012
The Green Eyed Monster
Dear Jealousy,
I hate you!! Such a lovely thing is jealousy. It makes you become not human at times.
My biggest problem right now is not only do I mourn the loss of Skylar, I get a punch in the gut in the form of my cousin being pregnant with a baby girl.
Now I know logically she was about 15 or 16 weeks pregnant around the time Skylar was born. It is her first pregnancy and she was so excited and happy about it. Yet for me it still hurts, Our girls will be around 6 months apart. Only thing is she gets to keep hers. I don't!
I see her facebook updates and how she is so in love with her baby and she should be. Yet her circumstances are very different than ours.
Knowing her situation makes me realize that there is no reason to be jealous. I am though, All I want is the perfect end result. You know the one where you take your baby home and live happily ever after.
Not visit the cemetery to visit your baby and dream of her. I long just to feel the weight of her body against mine. To smell her precious baby smell she had.
I only get the nightmares of knowing she is gone, and no matter what I do or think I cannot change what happened. It just did!
I need to find a balance in this, I want to help my cousin in any way she may need. I will be there for her if she ever needs me to. Just it is very hard right now.
I am wondering how seeing her baby will make me feel. Will I be so sad I can't be in the same room as her and the baby.
I hope maybe seeing her baby will bring me some sort of healing. See her baby do all the things Skylar won't ever do. It is those things that make me sad.
Grief is a terrible thing, As we go towards the 5 month mark it only makes it harder. Some days I miss her so much I could scream.
The fog seems to be lifting and the pure weight of grief wants to settle. It is times like these I struggle with things that relate to baby girls.
I read a article on www.stillstandingmag.com from Lori Weatherly where she wrote about how after the death of her son Matthew, She could not stand to see anything that had to do with baby boys.
The blue blankets brought her so much heartache and just seeing or hearing babies made her want to run. First I urge you to read her article, From my standpoint that is exactly how I feel right now. I miss my baby girl so much and seeing anything related to baby girls make me so sad.
I saw a cute outfit at babies r us yesterday when I got my son some shampoo. The outfit was a purple ruffle shirt with a beautiful white leggings with small purple bow on the legs.
I saw that and burst into tears, It is so unfair that we don't have Skylar. I just want her back so bad.
Lori's article also talked about how after the birth if her youngest son she felt better about seeing baby boys again.
I hope that will help for me also when we have a rainbow baby. I hope that happens for us soon. I am happy to report though that if by six months of trying to conceive we are not pregnant my midwife said to make an appointment and we will discuss testing and such. So here is to hoping for a big fat positive soon for us.
I hate you!! Such a lovely thing is jealousy. It makes you become not human at times.
My biggest problem right now is not only do I mourn the loss of Skylar, I get a punch in the gut in the form of my cousin being pregnant with a baby girl.
Now I know logically she was about 15 or 16 weeks pregnant around the time Skylar was born. It is her first pregnancy and she was so excited and happy about it. Yet for me it still hurts, Our girls will be around 6 months apart. Only thing is she gets to keep hers. I don't!
I see her facebook updates and how she is so in love with her baby and she should be. Yet her circumstances are very different than ours.
Knowing her situation makes me realize that there is no reason to be jealous. I am though, All I want is the perfect end result. You know the one where you take your baby home and live happily ever after.
Not visit the cemetery to visit your baby and dream of her. I long just to feel the weight of her body against mine. To smell her precious baby smell she had.
I only get the nightmares of knowing she is gone, and no matter what I do or think I cannot change what happened. It just did!
I need to find a balance in this, I want to help my cousin in any way she may need. I will be there for her if she ever needs me to. Just it is very hard right now.
I am wondering how seeing her baby will make me feel. Will I be so sad I can't be in the same room as her and the baby.
I hope maybe seeing her baby will bring me some sort of healing. See her baby do all the things Skylar won't ever do. It is those things that make me sad.
Grief is a terrible thing, As we go towards the 5 month mark it only makes it harder. Some days I miss her so much I could scream.
The fog seems to be lifting and the pure weight of grief wants to settle. It is times like these I struggle with things that relate to baby girls.
I read a article on www.stillstandingmag.com from Lori Weatherly where she wrote about how after the death of her son Matthew, She could not stand to see anything that had to do with baby boys.
The blue blankets brought her so much heartache and just seeing or hearing babies made her want to run. First I urge you to read her article, From my standpoint that is exactly how I feel right now. I miss my baby girl so much and seeing anything related to baby girls make me so sad.
I saw a cute outfit at babies r us yesterday when I got my son some shampoo. The outfit was a purple ruffle shirt with a beautiful white leggings with small purple bow on the legs.
I saw that and burst into tears, It is so unfair that we don't have Skylar. I just want her back so bad.
Lori's article also talked about how after the birth if her youngest son she felt better about seeing baby boys again.
I hope that will help for me also when we have a rainbow baby. I hope that happens for us soon. I am happy to report though that if by six months of trying to conceive we are not pregnant my midwife said to make an appointment and we will discuss testing and such. So here is to hoping for a big fat positive soon for us.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Blog Link
I hope I did this right, This is a link to another babyloss Mom's blog. A wonderful Mom who is missing her precious baby Finley. Please check her out and the other;s who have linked up.
<div align="center">
<a href="http://dear-finley.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/finleys-five-month-blog-hop.html" title="Dear Finley"><img src="http://i1103.photobucket.com/albums/g474/serial_potatoes/Blog/BlogHopButton.jpg" alt="Dear Finley" style="border:none;" /></a></div>
<div align="center">
<a href="http://dear-finley.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/finleys-five-month-blog-hop.html" title="Dear Finley"><img src="http://i1103.photobucket.com/albums/g474/serial_potatoes/Blog/BlogHopButton.jpg" alt="Dear Finley" style="border:none;" /></a></div>
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Happy 4 Months In Heaven
Where do I even begin?
Today is Skylar's 4 month Birthday in Heaven. I have so many mixed emotions about her birthday.
It is not only the day she was born but also the day she earned her angel wings. For me the hardest part is saying she was stillborn. I mean she was alive that morning and gone by 6pm. It is surreal to know you actually gave birth to a child you never took one breath on earth.
Sometimes I feel stuck in time, It's like on May 18, 2012 my world just stopped. I am moving just in different way. Everyone is going at a super fast pace and here I am still grieving and reeling from this.
I have a picture of Skylar I printed out from our wonderful photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I have the picture on my dresser in a little silver and pink frame.
It is sad all we have to show of Skylar is a picture in a frame. Some days I need more than just a picture. I look thru all the pictures and it make me realize she was not just a dream. She was a real baby, A beautiful baby.
I see the little white spots on her nose and see the little hair on her legs and it seems so more real to me.
It's those pictures that reduce me to hug sobs and tears, All because I realize I don't get to have her here with us.
I stare at all Skylar's little clothes sitting in the little clear Rubbermaid box. All folded waiting on the baby who will never come home to wear them.
Some days life is agonizing to live without her, I should be worrying about getting her ready to take the kids to school. Instead I worry about what to put on her grave marker. There is no way I should have to be thinking about that.
I worry that the kids will not remember her or think I handled the grief in a terrible way. I do cry and miss her terribly. Yet I want to make her memory to me more than sadness.
I also worry about getting pregnant, I never had a problem before and I don't think I have one now. Just some days that's all I can think about. I worry about everything, The simple and meaningless take on a new role of pure mind torment.
I think about Skylar all the time, She consumes my everything. A baby so sweet and beautiful should be here in my arms. I should be feeding her and taking care of her.
There are days I wonder what would she be doing right? Would she be smiling of course, Would she be rolling over yet? What would she weigh now? Would her hair stay dark? I would have hoped so.
I can only dream of that now, One day we will be together for now I dream on and live my life and love more for her. I changed for the better because Jesus hold my little Skylar till the day he calls us home.
Today is Skylar's 4 month Birthday in Heaven. I have so many mixed emotions about her birthday.
It is not only the day she was born but also the day she earned her angel wings. For me the hardest part is saying she was stillborn. I mean she was alive that morning and gone by 6pm. It is surreal to know you actually gave birth to a child you never took one breath on earth.
Sometimes I feel stuck in time, It's like on May 18, 2012 my world just stopped. I am moving just in different way. Everyone is going at a super fast pace and here I am still grieving and reeling from this.
I have a picture of Skylar I printed out from our wonderful photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I have the picture on my dresser in a little silver and pink frame.
It is sad all we have to show of Skylar is a picture in a frame. Some days I need more than just a picture. I look thru all the pictures and it make me realize she was not just a dream. She was a real baby, A beautiful baby.
I see the little white spots on her nose and see the little hair on her legs and it seems so more real to me.
It's those pictures that reduce me to hug sobs and tears, All because I realize I don't get to have her here with us.
I stare at all Skylar's little clothes sitting in the little clear Rubbermaid box. All folded waiting on the baby who will never come home to wear them.
Some days life is agonizing to live without her, I should be worrying about getting her ready to take the kids to school. Instead I worry about what to put on her grave marker. There is no way I should have to be thinking about that.
I worry that the kids will not remember her or think I handled the grief in a terrible way. I do cry and miss her terribly. Yet I want to make her memory to me more than sadness.
I also worry about getting pregnant, I never had a problem before and I don't think I have one now. Just some days that's all I can think about. I worry about everything, The simple and meaningless take on a new role of pure mind torment.
I think about Skylar all the time, She consumes my everything. A baby so sweet and beautiful should be here in my arms. I should be feeding her and taking care of her.
There are days I wonder what would she be doing right? Would she be smiling of course, Would she be rolling over yet? What would she weigh now? Would her hair stay dark? I would have hoped so.
I can only dream of that now, One day we will be together for now I dream on and live my life and love more for her. I changed for the better because Jesus hold my little Skylar till the day he calls us home.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Thinking of You
I just wanted to stop by and tell you Skylar, That I am thinking of you today. As your four month birthday fast approaches. We are thinking of you our precious baby girl. We love and miss you.
Love,
Daddy, Mommy, and your sisters and brothers.
Love,
Daddy, Mommy, and your sisters and brothers.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Thankful Thursday
Getting a little inspiration from another blogger I am going to start a Thankful Thursday post.
I need to start writing about what I am thankful for instead of writing about what makes me sad.
Where do I start?
I am thankful for a loving God who has taken care of us and Skylar. Who better to take care of our precious daughter.
I am very thankful for my husband, Without him I would not be nearly as well as I am. He helps to hold me up when I feel like I cannot go on. He listens to my fears and crazy thoughts without judgement. He makes me feel special and loved and is a great person inside and out.
I am thankful for our six children, Without them I don't think I'd have the will to go on.
I am thankful for the precious 41 weeks I got to spend loving Skylar. I will never forget her little movements and the way she kicked me in the lungs two times. I will forever miss her but I know she is looking out for us and will always be in our hearts.
I need to start writing about what I am thankful for instead of writing about what makes me sad.
Where do I start?
I am thankful for a loving God who has taken care of us and Skylar. Who better to take care of our precious daughter.
I am very thankful for my husband, Without him I would not be nearly as well as I am. He helps to hold me up when I feel like I cannot go on. He listens to my fears and crazy thoughts without judgement. He makes me feel special and loved and is a great person inside and out.
I am thankful for our six children, Without them I don't think I'd have the will to go on.
I am thankful for the precious 41 weeks I got to spend loving Skylar. I will never forget her little movements and the way she kicked me in the lungs two times. I will forever miss her but I know she is looking out for us and will always be in our hearts.
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