Thursday, August 30, 2012

Remembrance and 3 Months

Today August 19 is a day to remember the babies and infants we have lost. I remember my beautiful newborn baby girl. Skylar Jean Wyatt, Who was born into the loving arms of Jesus on May 18, 2012

A child was never wanted or loved more than she is. Some days are easier than other's, What I miss the most is all that I am missing out on. I would love to be the overtired mom of 7, I am a Mom of 7 just one resides in heaven.

Today, When we went to Old Navy I saw the cutest little 0-3 months romper that would have been cute on Skylar. Except it probably would have been to small by now at 3 months.

Some days it is so easy to be mad and say it just not fair that my baby is not here. I am truly trying to stop this but it is not easy. As for the depression, I would say right now I am having a hard time at times. I am truly trying to ease up on it and in time I know it will get better. I just have to take it one day at a time.

I guess I am at the denial stage of the grief journey. I know Skylar is gone, Yet I cannot wrap my mind around the actuality that she is not coming back. I mean it's just weird at times. I know my baby girl is not here, yet I want her to be so bad. I just feel like this is a bad dream at times. Yet, it is not it just seems to hard to try and move past things.

I cannot forget that Skylar was here or born. With my family here lately I have been talking about her a little bit and showing them her pictures. We just have to go to visit her spot and take her the butterfly solar light. I am sure she will love her nightlight.

Another thing to add is that with all the kids in school it can make the depression come on stronger but I will be trying my best to make sure I am going to not feel so sad. Anytime kids go to school it makes things a little more sad. Yet my two boys will keep me entertained.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The Feeling

I was remembering today the day Skylar was born. It was a beautiful day, Hot and Sunny, It would be the most prolific day of my life. A day that would change me to the very core of who I was and who I am to be. I got to hold a Angel that was delivered strait to heaven. I was blessed just to be Skylar's Mom.

I know sometimes my post are pretty depressing and I am trying to change that. I am happy that I got to spend 41 weeks with her, Getting to know and love her and seeing what a precious blessing she is.

I will still always long for her, Wanting to know who she would have become. Knowing when people look at my family they will see 6 children not the 7 that actually make up our family. Three girls and four boys.

I want people to know I have a baby girl who would have been three months Saturday. A child we longed and wanted so badly. Now she is only a memory, or some days feels like a dream.

I look at her pictures and see a beautiful girl, With a head full of dark hair and had tan skin like her big sister Sydney.

The other day while I was thinking about Skylar's birth, I was remembering holding our beautiful baby girl in my arms. I always think about her, Yet this time was different. This time I could actually feel the weight of her in my arms again. I even could feel how soft her skin was, A truly beautiful moment that I am glad I got to have again. How striking these moments can be, I was truly taken back to May 18, 2012

The pain is always there yet this time I was overcome with the beauty of the birth of my daughter. I truly wish there was some other way to have these moments. To have her in my arms would be the greatest gift of all.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Her Carseat

Yesterday I saw her carseat.

No, Not the one that sits in the closet unused waiting for someone to fill it with a lovable baby. This was the same carseat, with a baby that looked to be the same age as Skylar. Guess What?

 The  baby in the same carseat was the same age as Skylar's would have been. 3 months!

 How is this fair, I see the little sweet bundle that is this couples baby. Sitting there waving his little fist in the air, So little, so cute. It is hard to imagine Skylar would be just like that also. Just bigger than that little boy. I am glad the baby in there was a boy, If it was a girl I would have felt worse, I still got anxiety seeing this baby. I wish I did not get this way when I see babies. I want to be happy when I see them not want to run in the other direction. I just want my daughter back, I know God does not hate us and only has love for us. It just is hard to see babies Skylar's age and not have her here.

I found out today my ob wants me to wait at least 3 months before getting pregnant. Well I guess that is not that bad it will 3 months postpartum on August 18. I just want another baby to love. I will always love Skylar and nothing will change that. For me a another baby would bring me a little peace instead of always crying when I see newborns.

I just have to put everything in God's hands.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Say My Name, Say My Name

I got a little a little inspiration from another blogger post about this blog post. I have been thinking a lot today about Skylar and people knowing her name. I want my family to say her name. My Grandma and Mom say her name. I know they think a lot of about her. Skylar is named after my Aunt Betty Jean who passed away in a car accident at 18. Now, She gets to take care of Skylar in Heaven. I know for my Grandma and myself we get special angels like no other who will be watching us all of our days and will meet us in Heaven.

I love my daughter so much, It has been very hard these past 11 weeks. I miss her more and more everyday. Some days she seems so close and other's so far away. I sometimes wonder "Did I dream of Skylar? Was she really here? I feel so empty, I just wish she was here with us.

Today was a particularly hard day, I went to Target to get Diapers for Nathan and Jacob and of course I had to go down the baby isle. I first saw the Pampers Swaddler diapers that I buy all of my newborn babies. I just love them, they smell so good and remind me of everything baby. I saw those and my heart sank, I should be buying more for Skylar instead all of her diapers sit, Unused and most still in the package. After the we got the other kids diapers, I saw a young Mom and her newborn daughter I had to grab the wipes for the boys and run away from them. I was so heartbroken, The lady probably thought I was mad or something. I was not mad, Just so overly sad it was unbelievable.

I mean how do you explain to other's you don't know you are grieving the loss of your precious daughter. A child you wanted so much and don't get to have! We had her once now we just go on without her which is the hardest thing I have ever done. I sometimes want to scream and run away, I am a Mom to Seven and people only see Six. I will love her all of my days, I want to make her proud and not be the same person I was. Which I am truly not anymore, I am blessed to have been Skylar's Mom. A perfect angel to good for this earth.