Saturday, August 4, 2012

Say My Name, Say My Name

I got a little a little inspiration from another blogger post about this blog post. I have been thinking a lot today about Skylar and people knowing her name. I want my family to say her name. My Grandma and Mom say her name. I know they think a lot of about her. Skylar is named after my Aunt Betty Jean who passed away in a car accident at 18. Now, She gets to take care of Skylar in Heaven. I know for my Grandma and myself we get special angels like no other who will be watching us all of our days and will meet us in Heaven.

I love my daughter so much, It has been very hard these past 11 weeks. I miss her more and more everyday. Some days she seems so close and other's so far away. I sometimes wonder "Did I dream of Skylar? Was she really here? I feel so empty, I just wish she was here with us.

Today was a particularly hard day, I went to Target to get Diapers for Nathan and Jacob and of course I had to go down the baby isle. I first saw the Pampers Swaddler diapers that I buy all of my newborn babies. I just love them, they smell so good and remind me of everything baby. I saw those and my heart sank, I should be buying more for Skylar instead all of her diapers sit, Unused and most still in the package. After the we got the other kids diapers, I saw a young Mom and her newborn daughter I had to grab the wipes for the boys and run away from them. I was so heartbroken, The lady probably thought I was mad or something. I was not mad, Just so overly sad it was unbelievable.

I mean how do you explain to other's you don't know you are grieving the loss of your precious daughter. A child you wanted so much and don't get to have! We had her once now we just go on without her which is the hardest thing I have ever done. I sometimes want to scream and run away, I am a Mom to Seven and people only see Six. I will love her all of my days, I want to make her proud and not be the same person I was. Which I am truly not anymore, I am blessed to have been Skylar's Mom. A perfect angel to good for this earth.

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