Sunday, September 30, 2012

The Green Eyed Monster

Dear Jealousy,

I hate you!! Such a lovely thing is jealousy. It makes you become not human at times.

My biggest problem right now is not only do I mourn the loss of Skylar, I get a punch in the gut in the form of my cousin being pregnant with a baby girl.

Now I know logically she was about 15 or 16 weeks pregnant around the time Skylar was born. It is her first pregnancy and she was so excited and happy about it. Yet for me it still hurts, Our girls will be around 6 months apart. Only thing is she gets to keep hers. I don't!

I see her facebook updates and how she is so in love with her baby and she should be. Yet her circumstances are very different than ours.

Knowing her situation makes me realize that there is no reason to be jealous. I am though, All I want is the perfect end result. You know the one where you take your baby home and live happily ever after.

Not visit the cemetery to visit your baby and dream of her. I long just to feel the weight of her body against mine. To smell her precious baby smell she had.

 I only get the nightmares of knowing she is gone, and no matter what I do or think I cannot change what happened. It just did!

I need to find a balance in this, I want to help my cousin in any way she may need. I will be there for her if she ever needs me to. Just it is very hard right now.

I am wondering how seeing her baby will make me feel. Will I be so sad I can't be in the same room as her and the baby.

I hope maybe seeing her baby will bring me some sort of healing. See her baby do all the things Skylar won't ever do. It is those things that make me sad.

Grief is a terrible thing, As we go towards the 5 month mark it only makes it harder. Some days I miss her so much I could scream.

The fog seems to be lifting and the pure weight of grief wants to settle. It is times like these I struggle with things that relate to baby girls.

I read a article on from Lori Weatherly where she wrote about how after the death of her son Matthew, She could not stand to see anything that had to do with baby boys.

The blue blankets brought her so much heartache and just seeing or hearing babies made her want to run. First I urge you to read her article, From my standpoint that is exactly how I feel right now. I miss my baby girl so much and seeing anything related to baby girls make me so sad.

I saw a cute outfit at babies r us yesterday when I got my son some shampoo. The outfit was a purple ruffle shirt with a beautiful white leggings with small purple bow on the legs.

I saw that and burst into tears, It is so unfair that we don't have Skylar. I just want her back so bad.

Lori's article also talked about how after the birth if her youngest son she felt better about seeing baby boys again.

I hope that will help for me also when we have a rainbow baby. I hope that happens for us soon. I am happy to report though that if by six months of trying to conceive we are not pregnant my midwife said to make an appointment and we will discuss testing and such. So here is to hoping for a big fat positive soon for us.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Blog Link

I hope I did this right, This is a link to another babyloss Mom's blog. A wonderful Mom who is missing her precious baby Finley. Please check her out and the other;s who have linked up.

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<a href="" title="Dear Finley"><img src="" alt="Dear Finley" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Happy 4 Months In Heaven

Where do I even begin?

Today is Skylar's 4 month Birthday in Heaven. I have so many mixed emotions about her birthday.

It is not only the day she was born but also the day she earned her angel wings. For me the hardest part is saying she was stillborn. I mean she was alive that morning and gone by 6pm. It is surreal to know you actually gave birth to a child you never took one breath on earth.

Sometimes I feel stuck in time, It's like on May 18, 2012 my world just stopped. I am moving just in different way. Everyone is going at a super fast pace and here I am still grieving and reeling from this.

I have a picture of Skylar I printed out from our wonderful photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I have the picture on my dresser in a little silver and pink frame.

It is sad all we have to show of Skylar is a picture in a frame. Some days I need more than just a picture. I look thru all the pictures and it make me realize she was not just a dream. She was a real baby, A beautiful baby.

I see the little white spots on her nose and see the little hair on her legs and it seems so more real to me.

It's those pictures that reduce me to hug sobs and tears, All because I realize I don't get to have her here with us.

I stare at all Skylar's little clothes sitting in the little clear Rubbermaid box. All folded waiting on the baby who will never come home to wear them.

Some days life is agonizing to live without her, I should be worrying about getting her ready to take the kids to school. Instead I worry about what to put on her grave marker. There is no way I should have to be thinking about that.

I worry that the kids will not remember her or think I handled the grief in a terrible way. I do cry and miss her terribly. Yet I want to make her memory to me more than sadness.

I also worry about getting pregnant, I never had a problem before and I don't think I have one now. Just some days that's all I can think about. I worry about everything, The simple and meaningless take on a new role of pure mind torment.

I think about Skylar all the time, She consumes my everything. A baby so sweet and beautiful should be here in my arms. I should be feeding her and taking care of her.

There are days I wonder what would she be doing right? Would she be smiling of course, Would she be rolling over yet? What would she weigh now? Would her hair stay dark? I would have hoped so.

I can only dream of that now, One day we will be together for now I dream on and live my life and love more for her. I changed for the better because Jesus hold my little Skylar till the day he calls us home.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Thinking of You

I just wanted to stop by and tell you Skylar, That I am thinking of you today. As your four month birthday fast approaches. We are thinking of you our precious baby girl. We love and miss you.

Daddy, Mommy, and your sisters and brothers.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Thankful Thursday

Getting a little inspiration from another blogger I am going to start a Thankful Thursday post.

I need to start writing about what I am thankful for instead of writing about what makes me sad.

Where do I start?

I am thankful for a loving God who has taken care of us and Skylar. Who better to take care of our precious daughter.

I am very thankful for my husband, Without him I would not be nearly as well as I am. He helps to hold me up when I feel like I cannot go on. He listens to my fears and crazy thoughts without judgement. He makes me feel special and loved and is a great person inside and out.

I am thankful for our six children, Without them I don't think I'd have the will to go on.

I am thankful for the precious 41 weeks I got to spend loving Skylar. I will never forget her little movements and the way she kicked me in the lungs two times. I will forever miss her but I know she is looking out for us and will always be in our hearts.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Anxiety I hate you

I have always struggled with anxiety, Since a early age I have always worried about everything especially the useless stuff.

Since Skylar passed it has only gotten worse, The anxiety was horrible the first few weeks after her birth.

For a while it went away and I had my normal depressive feelings that any parent who loses a child feels.

Now the terrible anxiety is back, It had only come back more now since my children have gone back to school and my family went back home and now I am alone with my youngest son.

I am trying to find ways to help the anxiety, It really helps to talk to other's when I feel down.

I think another reason for my higher anxiety is my AF has decided to show up this week. So no baby this month.

I am going to track my ovulation better this month and if something seems a miss. I am going to get a appointment at the OB's.

Not to make this post all about me, Last week we took Skylar a butterfly solar light. So now she will have her night light. We love you so much Skylar and miss you terribly. I know she knows we love her just wish she was here with us.