Sunday, September 30, 2012

The Green Eyed Monster

Dear Jealousy,

I hate you!! Such a lovely thing is jealousy. It makes you become not human at times.

My biggest problem right now is not only do I mourn the loss of Skylar, I get a punch in the gut in the form of my cousin being pregnant with a baby girl.

Now I know logically she was about 15 or 16 weeks pregnant around the time Skylar was born. It is her first pregnancy and she was so excited and happy about it. Yet for me it still hurts, Our girls will be around 6 months apart. Only thing is she gets to keep hers. I don't!

I see her facebook updates and how she is so in love with her baby and she should be. Yet her circumstances are very different than ours.

Knowing her situation makes me realize that there is no reason to be jealous. I am though, All I want is the perfect end result. You know the one where you take your baby home and live happily ever after.

Not visit the cemetery to visit your baby and dream of her. I long just to feel the weight of her body against mine. To smell her precious baby smell she had.

 I only get the nightmares of knowing she is gone, and no matter what I do or think I cannot change what happened. It just did!

I need to find a balance in this, I want to help my cousin in any way she may need. I will be there for her if she ever needs me to. Just it is very hard right now.

I am wondering how seeing her baby will make me feel. Will I be so sad I can't be in the same room as her and the baby.

I hope maybe seeing her baby will bring me some sort of healing. See her baby do all the things Skylar won't ever do. It is those things that make me sad.

Grief is a terrible thing, As we go towards the 5 month mark it only makes it harder. Some days I miss her so much I could scream.

The fog seems to be lifting and the pure weight of grief wants to settle. It is times like these I struggle with things that relate to baby girls.

I read a article on from Lori Weatherly where she wrote about how after the death of her son Matthew, She could not stand to see anything that had to do with baby boys.

The blue blankets brought her so much heartache and just seeing or hearing babies made her want to run. First I urge you to read her article, From my standpoint that is exactly how I feel right now. I miss my baby girl so much and seeing anything related to baby girls make me so sad.

I saw a cute outfit at babies r us yesterday when I got my son some shampoo. The outfit was a purple ruffle shirt with a beautiful white leggings with small purple bow on the legs.

I saw that and burst into tears, It is so unfair that we don't have Skylar. I just want her back so bad.

Lori's article also talked about how after the birth if her youngest son she felt better about seeing baby boys again.

I hope that will help for me also when we have a rainbow baby. I hope that happens for us soon. I am happy to report though that if by six months of trying to conceive we are not pregnant my midwife said to make an appointment and we will discuss testing and such. So here is to hoping for a big fat positive soon for us.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry you are struggling with this.

    My sister in law found out today she is having a boy and I had to hang up the phone I was so hysterical. Everyone has had girls since I had Finley, and I just knew in my heart that Finley's first and only little cousin would be a boy.

    My heart just hurts. As I know yours does as well.

    Sending love