Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Six Week Checkup and The Fairness of Life

Thursday I will go to the OB for my six week checkup. Has six weeks passed? Some days it feels like a year, Some just a few days. Other times I wonder if I dreamed Skylar up? Was she just a beautiful angel I was pregnant with in a dream? I sure hope not, Then I have the pain of losing her. I know that is all to real. Some days are better than other's, Easier never just different. Some days I feel okay and other days it is a all day long lingering sadness.

I miss everything that should have been, Would have been. The little outfits that were Skylar's sit on the dresser never to be touched by her. I do have some outfits she wore when the wonderful photographer from came and took her pictures. There are no word to express how truly grateful I am for the NILMDTS organization. Skylar was born at almost 11pm and our wonderful photographer came and a little while afterwards and took her pictures. They are something I will truly treasure for the rest of my life and I cannot wait to get them printed out and hang them up.

Back on the OB front, What made Skylar pass away was a placenta abruption. I was 41 weeks pregnant with her. I will one day type up her birth story, Right now is not the time. It is a very hard thing to process and that is why I am will write her birthstory later.

The other thing is sometimes life hands us situations that are very unfair. With Skylar's passing it is not fair that we don't get to raise our daughter. To see her little smile and her face, We will only have memories of the best 13 hours of our life. Time is so short and 13 hours will never be enough.

There are times I see newborn babies who are about the same age as Skylar and it makes me cry so hard. I cry for all that we have lost and will never have. I truly hope that everyone who has children and babies hold them tighter, kiss them more, Hold them. Truly enjoy all that you have for one day you will not have that. I am so very thankful for our six other children and love them immensley. Yet I will always long for our seventh child our beautiful Skylar. I know many have seen this saying and Iwill post it here for it truly reflects what we had.

Some can only dream angels, Yet we held one in our arms.

Truer words have not be spoken, For Skylar is our angel and we truly hope when the day comes to have another baby. That she will be his/her gaurdian angel.

We Love You Skylar Jean our very own Angel.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Grief and Time

I miss you more each day, They say time heals all wounds. I am sorry to say time will not heal this one.
Each day makes me miss Skylar more, At 5 weeks after her birth I still have milk meant for Skylar. I wish
she was here to drink the milk. I want to hold her in my arms so bad, I know instead of us holding her
she is holding us. Grief is a strange thing, the other day I was so mad at everything. What I was really mad
at was because I was missing Skylar. That is one thing I have to learn to channel to good instead of being mean. I don't want to make Skylar's death something I will be bitter about, I really don't feel that way. She was such a precious gift that I will never be bitter about the wonderful 41 weeks we spent together. She and I will always be a team, Only thing is I am left here on Earth while she is glory with Jesus. I am so glad she is waiting for us in heaven. Not saying that I would rather have her here with us which I do more than anything.

Grief is a weird thing, It sneaks up on you whenever it sees fit. Today for example my older children had a little show for their vacation bible school at church. The pastor who did Skylar's service was there. It made me sad, As the last time we saw him was at service. I know people don't know what to say or what to do when a baby dies. Yet, When he came to the hospital and saw us and saw me holding Skylar he had a awful look on his face that I will never forget. He also kept staring at her, I knew she was gone yet I would never not hold her. She is my daughter who I love so much and miss everyday. For him to stare like that hurt me deeply and I am not sure how to process that. I won't harbor any nasty feeling for him, I think they need to train pastor's a little bit on how to help families that lose children.

To get back to what I was saying, I also saw a women who had a little baby. Maybe about 2-3 months old. The little girl was young enough that she still had the newborn cry. So sweet and absolutely heartbreaking for me. I would like nothing more than to to have my newborn baby with me there. I would have been so sweet. Seeing that baby made me cry and I had to turn away from the baby. I would have loved to run out of there. The toughest part of us losing Skylar is just dealing with babies and knowing we should have our daughter here. I would love to have a sweet smelling little bundle here with us. I will just have to learn to deal with them and know one day we will have have another baby yet that baby will not take Skylar's place. She always has a place in our hearts and that will never change. We just would like to have a little joy and that's what a baby can bring to us.

Just to end this post, Skylar our beautiful darling baby. We love you forever and always and miss you terribly. Please keep us in your thoughts as we do with you and let Jesus know we love him and you so much. Tell him to hold you tight till we are with you all again. Love Always, Mommy and Daddy

Monday, June 18, 2012

Happy 1 Month Birthday Skylar

To my little princess, Happy 1 month birthday in heaven. You blessed me this morning by giving me a dream about you. While you were not in it, It still was about you. I miss you all the time yet today I am feeling good. I always look towards the sky to see if you give me any signs you are with me. When we went to the zoo I saw the letter S in the sky and it reminded me of you. Never was a more precious gift given to me than to have you in my life. You are my blessing and for that I am truly grateful. I love you forever and can't wait to see you again. Skylar, the one thing I ask is when we do have another little brother or sister for you please keep watch over them. I will always let everyone know about you. You don't bring me pain you bring me love and for that I am truly grateful. Happy Birthday Skylar Jean we love you.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Missing You

Today has been a very hard day for me, I am sure has been very hard for your Daddy as well. We should be celebrating your first Father's Day with us. Instead we are with your brother's and sister's missing you. While we are blessed in having them and having you, We are also very sad you are not with us. Some days are easier than other's for both of us. I think for me it is the whole unknown questions that eat at me. I wish I had answer's yet I don't, Hopefully we will get more answers. When I get to missing Skylar I rub my hands on her blanket and it makes me feel more connected to her. I know she was sent here for a reason and I do believe for myself that God has brought us closer to him at this time. It feels wonderful to have a closer relationship with him. I think it also has made me a better person, I am becoming less judgemental and willing to be more accepting of people. I am grateful for that, I also think it has helped me to not be so materialistic. I always wanted the "rich" type stuff.

The Juicy Couture purse, The Coach purse which sits unused on my dresser. Wanting what I could not afford. Yet wanting all these material things. That now hold no meaning whatsoever to me. I wish I could have seen that before. My eyes were clouded over with greed and selfishness that could only be overcome by God's help. He sent our Skylar to help open our eyes, I will keep them wide open now instead of being so close minded. She was a special gift that I wish I could have kept. Such a beautiful little baby. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her and long for her. I love Skylar so much, She is a special baby and always will be. I found this quote from the book "Love You Forever by Robert Munsch" It goes perfectly with how I feel about Skylar.  "I love forever, I like you for always, As long as I'm living my baby you'll be" This book was dedicated to the author's own two children who were stillborn.

To end this post I am going to say a very special Happy Father's Day to my wonderful husband. Without you I am nothing, you are so very special and you will never know how very much you mean to me and our children. You have been the very best help thru all of this and I could not have made it this far without you. I love you forever and always will.

Friday, June 15, 2012

The 4th Friday

It has been 4 Fridays since Skylar was born, How can that be? If anyone asked can you survive the death of your child? I would be the first to tell them I would probably be crazy and I could not survive it. Yet here I am 4 weeks later, Although Skylar will be 1 month in Heaven on Monday. I have tons of questions about her birth that hopefully we will find some answers to. Mainly I sit here wishing and wanting her here so bad. I cannot fathom how we were chosen for this journey. It is a sucky one for sure. I went into the closet today where all Skylar's stuff sits, Unused. So cruel, The beautiful pink cover for the pack and play, Her car seat, swing and baby bath tub. All will not be used by Skylar. I so wish it would have been, I will forever miss her. We hope one day her little sister or brother could use her stuff. Today I cried a little more for you than the past few days. The dream I had of you the other day only left me longing for you. I know it would be true if Jesus brought you to me and let me have you just for 5 minutes I know I would not give you back. I am grateful to Jesus to have taken our sins and washed them clean so that you may live in heaven forever with him and wait until we are there with you. I am greatful to God to bless me with your brothers and sisters to help keep me sain. I love them all so much and I know they all would have loved you Skylar so much. They loved to pat your bottom in my stomach to try to get you to move. Skylar please know that while I long for another baby they will never replace you. I love you so much and would never do that. I want you, Another baby would bring us a little healing. I just want you to know we always think of you no matter what time it is. I miss you more and more each day, While we are slowy getting used to the idea you were here only a short time. We will always dream of what you could be doing. Please keep watch from heaven on us, We love you and always and forever miss you.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I Miss You

There are no words I can say to tell you how much I miss you. My heart aches for you, We all miss you and forever will. I just want you back, I looked at your pictures today and I am so happy one of them has you with the little white things newborns get on there nose. You are such a beautiful baby and I will miss not holding you here on earth. I mean I did get to hold you and those were the best 13 hours of my life. I will love you all of my days and beyond. I had such joy being pregnant with you. Skylar you are our angel and we will always love you.

Monday, June 11, 2012

3 Weeks Where Have You Been?

In 3 short weeks I have become someone I don't know. I am still a Mom yet I am not, I should be holding my 3 week old baby girl. We should be nursing and changing diapers all the time. Not that Jacob and Nathan don't need to be changed. It's just different, I so badly want my baby back, My beautiful daughter. I miss Skylar all the time, It sucks to wake up sad and not know why until you remember "oh wait Skylar is not here" I dreamed of her for 41 long weeks. Now I have nothing, The car seat we bought sits in the bedroom now with no baby to fill the seat. The swing I picked out and wanted so bad now sits also in the bedroom covered. I want Skylar to fill it's empty seat, Now she will never be there except in my heart and dreams. The one thing I have not done yet and want to, is to go to the cemetery to visit Skylar. That is one thing no parent should ever have to do. I am afraid I will go there and never want to leave Skylar. It was such a blessing to be pregnant with her, My husband and I always imagined what Skylar would look like. She came out they way we thought, Looking just like her big sister Sydney. Fat cheeks, Dark hair and tan skin. She is a beautiful baby and one day in Heaven we will be together again forever and that makes me feel good. Although the best feeling would have been to be together here on earth.

I always wanted another daughter and after 4 boys we finally got our little girl. I was so ready for little dresses and hair bows. The only thing we got to pick out for Skylar was what outfit and blanket she would be buried with. We chose a little night gown with flowers and and her little damask print on one side and pink on the other with pink satin trim. We are lucky enough that that lady who made her blanket was kind enough to make us another. The hardest thing I have ever done was to hand over our precious daughter to a nurse to be taken to the funeral home. I did not want to let her go, I can now see why Mother animals curl there bodies around there young. To protect and love them like no other, I will always love Skylar she was given to my husband and I for a short time but made the biggest impact us. She really has turned me to God more, I guess I could be angry at God but I am not. He gave me Skylar and what a precious gift that was and he also gave me eternal life so I can spend it with Skylar and our family.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

I hate Nerves!!!

I hate that terrible welling up of nerves that I get sometimes. For two days I did great, Not one panic attack at all. Now today I woke up missing Skylar so much. Looking at my beautiful Skylar made me sad of all that I am missing out on with her. I am afraid to be without my husband and I know he has to work which sucks but he has to do it. I guess this is our new normal life, Forever missing our sweet baby girl. I guess for me it is missing all her movements in my tummy. I wish that we could have had her come home with us. I know she will be our angel forever and I am grateful she is with Jesus. Yet we will always wish she was with us. This blog is a great outlet for me to write my feelings down. Skylar we miss you and love you. Please keep watch over your Daddy and I, Help us to grow closer to God and bless us with another baby. We love you sweetheart.

Friday, June 1, 2012

My Baby Should be 2 Weeks Old

Where to start, I hate to even try to start something like this. My beautiful baby girl Skylar Jean was born 2 weeks ago tonight. She should be 2 weeks old here on earth. Instead she is 2 weeks old in Heaven. I am still so sad, I should have taken my sweet baby with us to the zoo today. She should have been carried in the green moby wrap we got for her. I should be worrying will she be to hot. Not worrying how I am going to visit her spot in a cemetary. I miss you so much and feel so sad without you. Although I know I have to go on, It is hard. What is the worst is the panic attacks that come when my husband leaves. I can manage with phone calls to the one's I love and I feel better. If there is one good thing to come of your passing my darling it is I am more closer to God now. I pray a lot and I am even reading the bible more. We are planning on starting to go to church Sunday. I really feel a huge pull to God now. I will forever be missing you Skylar, Yet I hope you can send us a angel baby to give us hope. I know I can never replace you nor would I ever want to. I just would like a baby to care for and bring me peace. Although with God I find peace and I know we will be blessed please know dear Skylar we love you more than words can say. For now I will remember you with love and know we will see you one day in Heaven. I love you Skylar forever and beyone.