Wednesday, December 5, 2012

6 Months Later

Last Sunday Skylar turned 6 months old.

How we wish she was here for us to enjoy, I see babies everywhere like they are some kind of magnet. Some babies cause me to have panic attacks.

Baby boys are okay at times, Girls break my heart. It is hard to imagine what she would look like and be doing at 6 months. I am sure she would be sitting up and playing and laughing at her sisters and brothers.

While in Target today I glanced at a shelf that had baby clothes on it someone left.

Sitting there was a outfit that said My First Christmas in a 9 months size.

That would have fit Skylar, We miss her so much all the time. The pain has not gotten any easier. We go forward like we are being pushed, Not because we want to but we have to.

There is no choice but to go forward. I read other's blog and one blogger has a son born a week before Skylar and another blogger has a daughter born the same day.

I see what she would be doing thru these children. That can be a good thing other times it is bad. The only thing is these children are not Skylar and she would have done things at her own pace.

Now I know the post is a little later than Skylar's actual 6 month birthday so I have more updates and such now.

Now I am learning to deal with the birth of a baby girl in the family. My cousin had her daughter two days ago. No one called or let me know I just found out thru my grandma or on Facebook. It is very hard for me to deal with it. At first I was jealous as she has her live baby now, A daughter!

Something we had but is now gone, I stare at Skylar's pictures and wish she was here.

I am not sure how to begin to deal with my cousin, Do I want to see her baby? I am not sure, maybe out of curiosity. I know I would cry and feel terrible seeing her child. It feels like a slap in the face that her daughter is alive and ours is gone. I know this is the jealousy talking, I should see her daughter as her gift. Sometimes it is hard for me to remember that.

As we get ready for the Christmas Season we will always remember the joy and blessing in having Skylar. I still have to find her baby born in 2012 ornament and we will get her something for Christmas. Even if she is not here physically with us we know she is always in our hearts and minds.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Halloween Without You

Yesterday was Halloween and we celebrated it without our beautiful daughter. Our day was good as could be.

Our son's had doctor appointments so they went there and afterwards we went to visit Skylar.

I wanted to bring the Halloween costume all our children wore as there first costume and take a picture if it on her spot. That way at least she could have "worn" it in some way.

I did not cry as bad as I would have thought I would, I was sad for all that she misses out on. It really is not fair and I see life is not fair at times.

Why do our babies have to go? One day we will know and I thankful to have God that he loved us enough to send Jesus to save us all.

Some days I can imagine the pure pain and torment God felt as he watched his only son tormented to save our souls. He had to watch his only child die for us.

I am sure God felt the same way we grieving parents feel. I don't blame God for taking Skylar, How can I? She is is a beautiful place where she will never feel the pain we feel here.

While I cannot say that I don't wish for a second she was not here with us. I do feel like she brought me closer to God.

I understand the bible like never before, It makes so much sense to me now. Where before I did not know what it was saying.

My favorite passage that we will have put on Skylar's marker is the passage from the book of Matthew

Jesus said Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these. Matthew 19:14

I love this passage, It was a page on read on the Internet somewhere and looked it up in the bible and loved it since then.

As a conclusion to my Halloween post, We all missed Skylar yet we know she is always with us. We love you baby girl.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

5 Months 2 Days

5 Months and 2 Days our daughter would have been. Where has the time gone? She is never far from my mind. It is always swiriling with thoughts of her.

How would she be at 5 months? How much would she weigh? How long would her hair be by now?

I can only guess and imagine what she would be like right now and honestly it hurts. Some days I have so many questions about Skylar and really there are no answers just more questions.

I went to Hobby Lobby the other day and bought a new picture frame for Skylar's pictures. I love it, It is a heavy glass on both sides and you can put two pictures in it which is what we did. It looks beautiful and I love looking at Skylar all the time.

I look at her and see how beautiful she is, I love her wavy black hair and her tiny ears. Such a delicate baby. Jut seeing her brings me joy.

I also see right now as the time of year we would be picking out Halloween costumes. We have a costume we have used with all our children and Skylar would have worn it. I think what I may do is take it to the cemetery and take a picture of it and at least that way we can have her in it even though she is not here physically. We know she is with us all the time though.

I bought some beautiful Chinese lanterns that we are going to send Skylar as on her actual birthday it was raining so that washed away that idea. We will send them off tonight and let her know we love and miss her so much.

How am I feeling these days.

Somedays I still feel like this is not all real yet, I am only 5 months and 2 days out from losing our daughter so I think this is normal. Somedays you still wake up and get that sad feelings and feel like crying and I know that is okay. Other days you go on and know that someone is missing and just deal with it. Which sucks big time, I am greatful we got to celebrate all the angel babies day on October 15.

Next year we will get a candle and light it, This year we did not have one. I want to find one that is just right for her. I also want to find a way to honor all the babies gone too soon.

Monday, October 15, 2012

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day

Today is October 15 and it is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.

This is a beautiful way to honor all the babies gone to soon.

Today we rememebr our daughter Skylar Jean who was stillborn on May 18, 2012 at 41 weeks.

We chose to remember her beauty, The full dark head of hair she had and the perfect little ears. I miss her more and more each day. I cannot believe that Friday she will be 5 months old. Where did the time go?

I was pregnant with her last year at this time, I will never forget all that she is and all that she was.
She has really helped me to become a better person and for that I will be forever greatful

I also will be honoring all the babies who have left too soon and remember them and there Mom's and Dad's.

I pray for peace and healing for all the angel baby Mom's and Dad's

In Loving Memory of Skylar Jean Wyatt

Forever Loved and Forever Missed

Sunday, September 30, 2012

The Green Eyed Monster

Dear Jealousy,

I hate you!! Such a lovely thing is jealousy. It makes you become not human at times.

My biggest problem right now is not only do I mourn the loss of Skylar, I get a punch in the gut in the form of my cousin being pregnant with a baby girl.

Now I know logically she was about 15 or 16 weeks pregnant around the time Skylar was born. It is her first pregnancy and she was so excited and happy about it. Yet for me it still hurts, Our girls will be around 6 months apart. Only thing is she gets to keep hers. I don't!

I see her facebook updates and how she is so in love with her baby and she should be. Yet her circumstances are very different than ours.

Knowing her situation makes me realize that there is no reason to be jealous. I am though, All I want is the perfect end result. You know the one where you take your baby home and live happily ever after.

Not visit the cemetery to visit your baby and dream of her. I long just to feel the weight of her body against mine. To smell her precious baby smell she had.

 I only get the nightmares of knowing she is gone, and no matter what I do or think I cannot change what happened. It just did!

I need to find a balance in this, I want to help my cousin in any way she may need. I will be there for her if she ever needs me to. Just it is very hard right now.

I am wondering how seeing her baby will make me feel. Will I be so sad I can't be in the same room as her and the baby.

I hope maybe seeing her baby will bring me some sort of healing. See her baby do all the things Skylar won't ever do. It is those things that make me sad.

Grief is a terrible thing, As we go towards the 5 month mark it only makes it harder. Some days I miss her so much I could scream.

The fog seems to be lifting and the pure weight of grief wants to settle. It is times like these I struggle with things that relate to baby girls.

I read a article on from Lori Weatherly where she wrote about how after the death of her son Matthew, She could not stand to see anything that had to do with baby boys.

The blue blankets brought her so much heartache and just seeing or hearing babies made her want to run. First I urge you to read her article, From my standpoint that is exactly how I feel right now. I miss my baby girl so much and seeing anything related to baby girls make me so sad.

I saw a cute outfit at babies r us yesterday when I got my son some shampoo. The outfit was a purple ruffle shirt with a beautiful white leggings with small purple bow on the legs.

I saw that and burst into tears, It is so unfair that we don't have Skylar. I just want her back so bad.

Lori's article also talked about how after the birth if her youngest son she felt better about seeing baby boys again.

I hope that will help for me also when we have a rainbow baby. I hope that happens for us soon. I am happy to report though that if by six months of trying to conceive we are not pregnant my midwife said to make an appointment and we will discuss testing and such. So here is to hoping for a big fat positive soon for us.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Blog Link

I hope I did this right, This is a link to another babyloss Mom's blog. A wonderful Mom who is missing her precious baby Finley. Please check her out and the other;s who have linked up.

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<a href="" title="Dear Finley"><img src="" alt="Dear Finley" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Happy 4 Months In Heaven

Where do I even begin?

Today is Skylar's 4 month Birthday in Heaven. I have so many mixed emotions about her birthday.

It is not only the day she was born but also the day she earned her angel wings. For me the hardest part is saying she was stillborn. I mean she was alive that morning and gone by 6pm. It is surreal to know you actually gave birth to a child you never took one breath on earth.

Sometimes I feel stuck in time, It's like on May 18, 2012 my world just stopped. I am moving just in different way. Everyone is going at a super fast pace and here I am still grieving and reeling from this.

I have a picture of Skylar I printed out from our wonderful photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I have the picture on my dresser in a little silver and pink frame.

It is sad all we have to show of Skylar is a picture in a frame. Some days I need more than just a picture. I look thru all the pictures and it make me realize she was not just a dream. She was a real baby, A beautiful baby.

I see the little white spots on her nose and see the little hair on her legs and it seems so more real to me.

It's those pictures that reduce me to hug sobs and tears, All because I realize I don't get to have her here with us.

I stare at all Skylar's little clothes sitting in the little clear Rubbermaid box. All folded waiting on the baby who will never come home to wear them.

Some days life is agonizing to live without her, I should be worrying about getting her ready to take the kids to school. Instead I worry about what to put on her grave marker. There is no way I should have to be thinking about that.

I worry that the kids will not remember her or think I handled the grief in a terrible way. I do cry and miss her terribly. Yet I want to make her memory to me more than sadness.

I also worry about getting pregnant, I never had a problem before and I don't think I have one now. Just some days that's all I can think about. I worry about everything, The simple and meaningless take on a new role of pure mind torment.

I think about Skylar all the time, She consumes my everything. A baby so sweet and beautiful should be here in my arms. I should be feeding her and taking care of her.

There are days I wonder what would she be doing right? Would she be smiling of course, Would she be rolling over yet? What would she weigh now? Would her hair stay dark? I would have hoped so.

I can only dream of that now, One day we will be together for now I dream on and live my life and love more for her. I changed for the better because Jesus hold my little Skylar till the day he calls us home.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Thinking of You

I just wanted to stop by and tell you Skylar, That I am thinking of you today. As your four month birthday fast approaches. We are thinking of you our precious baby girl. We love and miss you.

Daddy, Mommy, and your sisters and brothers.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Thankful Thursday

Getting a little inspiration from another blogger I am going to start a Thankful Thursday post.

I need to start writing about what I am thankful for instead of writing about what makes me sad.

Where do I start?

I am thankful for a loving God who has taken care of us and Skylar. Who better to take care of our precious daughter.

I am very thankful for my husband, Without him I would not be nearly as well as I am. He helps to hold me up when I feel like I cannot go on. He listens to my fears and crazy thoughts without judgement. He makes me feel special and loved and is a great person inside and out.

I am thankful for our six children, Without them I don't think I'd have the will to go on.

I am thankful for the precious 41 weeks I got to spend loving Skylar. I will never forget her little movements and the way she kicked me in the lungs two times. I will forever miss her but I know she is looking out for us and will always be in our hearts.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Anxiety I hate you

I have always struggled with anxiety, Since a early age I have always worried about everything especially the useless stuff.

Since Skylar passed it has only gotten worse, The anxiety was horrible the first few weeks after her birth.

For a while it went away and I had my normal depressive feelings that any parent who loses a child feels.

Now the terrible anxiety is back, It had only come back more now since my children have gone back to school and my family went back home and now I am alone with my youngest son.

I am trying to find ways to help the anxiety, It really helps to talk to other's when I feel down.

I think another reason for my higher anxiety is my AF has decided to show up this week. So no baby this month.

I am going to track my ovulation better this month and if something seems a miss. I am going to get a appointment at the OB's.

Not to make this post all about me, Last week we took Skylar a butterfly solar light. So now she will have her night light. We love you so much Skylar and miss you terribly. I know she knows we love her just wish she was here with us.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Remembrance and 3 Months

Today August 19 is a day to remember the babies and infants we have lost. I remember my beautiful newborn baby girl. Skylar Jean Wyatt, Who was born into the loving arms of Jesus on May 18, 2012

A child was never wanted or loved more than she is. Some days are easier than other's, What I miss the most is all that I am missing out on. I would love to be the overtired mom of 7, I am a Mom of 7 just one resides in heaven.

Today, When we went to Old Navy I saw the cutest little 0-3 months romper that would have been cute on Skylar. Except it probably would have been to small by now at 3 months.

Some days it is so easy to be mad and say it just not fair that my baby is not here. I am truly trying to stop this but it is not easy. As for the depression, I would say right now I am having a hard time at times. I am truly trying to ease up on it and in time I know it will get better. I just have to take it one day at a time.

I guess I am at the denial stage of the grief journey. I know Skylar is gone, Yet I cannot wrap my mind around the actuality that she is not coming back. I mean it's just weird at times. I know my baby girl is not here, yet I want her to be so bad. I just feel like this is a bad dream at times. Yet, it is not it just seems to hard to try and move past things.

I cannot forget that Skylar was here or born. With my family here lately I have been talking about her a little bit and showing them her pictures. We just have to go to visit her spot and take her the butterfly solar light. I am sure she will love her nightlight.

Another thing to add is that with all the kids in school it can make the depression come on stronger but I will be trying my best to make sure I am going to not feel so sad. Anytime kids go to school it makes things a little more sad. Yet my two boys will keep me entertained.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The Feeling

I was remembering today the day Skylar was born. It was a beautiful day, Hot and Sunny, It would be the most prolific day of my life. A day that would change me to the very core of who I was and who I am to be. I got to hold a Angel that was delivered strait to heaven. I was blessed just to be Skylar's Mom.

I know sometimes my post are pretty depressing and I am trying to change that. I am happy that I got to spend 41 weeks with her, Getting to know and love her and seeing what a precious blessing she is.

I will still always long for her, Wanting to know who she would have become. Knowing when people look at my family they will see 6 children not the 7 that actually make up our family. Three girls and four boys.

I want people to know I have a baby girl who would have been three months Saturday. A child we longed and wanted so badly. Now she is only a memory, or some days feels like a dream.

I look at her pictures and see a beautiful girl, With a head full of dark hair and had tan skin like her big sister Sydney.

The other day while I was thinking about Skylar's birth, I was remembering holding our beautiful baby girl in my arms. I always think about her, Yet this time was different. This time I could actually feel the weight of her in my arms again. I even could feel how soft her skin was, A truly beautiful moment that I am glad I got to have again. How striking these moments can be, I was truly taken back to May 18, 2012

The pain is always there yet this time I was overcome with the beauty of the birth of my daughter. I truly wish there was some other way to have these moments. To have her in my arms would be the greatest gift of all.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Her Carseat

Yesterday I saw her carseat.

No, Not the one that sits in the closet unused waiting for someone to fill it with a lovable baby. This was the same carseat, with a baby that looked to be the same age as Skylar. Guess What?

 The  baby in the same carseat was the same age as Skylar's would have been. 3 months!

 How is this fair, I see the little sweet bundle that is this couples baby. Sitting there waving his little fist in the air, So little, so cute. It is hard to imagine Skylar would be just like that also. Just bigger than that little boy. I am glad the baby in there was a boy, If it was a girl I would have felt worse, I still got anxiety seeing this baby. I wish I did not get this way when I see babies. I want to be happy when I see them not want to run in the other direction. I just want my daughter back, I know God does not hate us and only has love for us. It just is hard to see babies Skylar's age and not have her here.

I found out today my ob wants me to wait at least 3 months before getting pregnant. Well I guess that is not that bad it will 3 months postpartum on August 18. I just want another baby to love. I will always love Skylar and nothing will change that. For me a another baby would bring me a little peace instead of always crying when I see newborns.

I just have to put everything in God's hands.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Say My Name, Say My Name

I got a little a little inspiration from another blogger post about this blog post. I have been thinking a lot today about Skylar and people knowing her name. I want my family to say her name. My Grandma and Mom say her name. I know they think a lot of about her. Skylar is named after my Aunt Betty Jean who passed away in a car accident at 18. Now, She gets to take care of Skylar in Heaven. I know for my Grandma and myself we get special angels like no other who will be watching us all of our days and will meet us in Heaven.

I love my daughter so much, It has been very hard these past 11 weeks. I miss her more and more everyday. Some days she seems so close and other's so far away. I sometimes wonder "Did I dream of Skylar? Was she really here? I feel so empty, I just wish she was here with us.

Today was a particularly hard day, I went to Target to get Diapers for Nathan and Jacob and of course I had to go down the baby isle. I first saw the Pampers Swaddler diapers that I buy all of my newborn babies. I just love them, they smell so good and remind me of everything baby. I saw those and my heart sank, I should be buying more for Skylar instead all of her diapers sit, Unused and most still in the package. After the we got the other kids diapers, I saw a young Mom and her newborn daughter I had to grab the wipes for the boys and run away from them. I was so heartbroken, The lady probably thought I was mad or something. I was not mad, Just so overly sad it was unbelievable.

I mean how do you explain to other's you don't know you are grieving the loss of your precious daughter. A child you wanted so much and don't get to have! We had her once now we just go on without her which is the hardest thing I have ever done. I sometimes want to scream and run away, I am a Mom to Seven and people only see Six. I will love her all of my days, I want to make her proud and not be the same person I was. Which I am truly not anymore, I am blessed to have been Skylar's Mom. A perfect angel to good for this earth.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Just Love, and God's Blessings

As I look back on Skylar's birth I am filled with so many regrets. Not on having her, For that I will never have any regrets. Not even if God chose to keep Skylar in heaven I would not ever regret having her. She was a pure joy to be pregnant with, I will never forget how she liked to lay on my left side. I will love her forever, I wish everyone could have got to hold her and love her as much as we do. She is now our guardian angel and will be keeping us safe instead of the other way around.

I sometimes feel cheated with Skylar's death, She was my baby and I wanted to hold her forever. I guess in one way I do. She is in my heart forever and one day we will be together forever.

Some days I get questions in my head that I would love to know. Did Skylar know how much she was wanted and loved? Did she know she was the most wanted baby? Especially after having 4 boys and finally another little girl to add to our family. Another baby to love, I love her name Skylar Jean, such a beautiful name for such a beautiful baby. One who is forever missed and forever loved.

The previous post was written a few days ago and I still wanted to share it with this post.

Today I recieved a true calling from God, I feel so strong about sharing a message of his love with everyone. I have never felt like this before and I know this is God wanting to share his good news with everyone.

There is never a time he is not with us, I know he was holding our hands and our hearts when we found out Skylar was gone. I know that without a doubt, He knows the innermost workings of our hearts and he knew how awful we were going to feel about losing her. The pain of losing your child is indescribable, Then to go on and have to birth your child is something I will never forget. I know Jesus was with us holding us as we held our beautiful angel baby. She was too perfect for this earth and we should rejoice in the fact that she will never know pain or hurt, Just Love. She was loved while she was being knit together in my womb. It is amazing the strength God has given us during this time. I was sure when the doctor told me that Skylar was gone, I was sure I was going to be crazy. At times maybe it feels like I am, Yet I know God will never leave or forsake me and he is with me when the tears are coming more and more and don't know when to stop. I woke up today with the emptiness that comes with losing your child. I feel this everyday, Yet today was a little worse as I watched maternity ward on DHC and saw newborn babies and it came flooding back to me about Skylar. I will never see her grow from a baby into a toddler then into a child a preteen teenager then adult. I will remember my little well not so little daughter. She will be my forever baby, Always with me and never leaving my side. I would honestly give everything I have to have her here with us. That is why I am giving God the one thing I know he wants more than anything. Me!

I want to share some scriptures with everyone that will hopefully share God message of love with you all.

I credit all scriptures to the Bible and the one I am using is the New King James Version and Life Principals Bible with interpertations by Dr. Charles Stanley. I suggest to you all this bible as it really is great at interpertaing God's word and really teaching you what the bible is saying. * I am in no way associated with the Dr. Charles Stanley and In Touch Ministrys, Just found this bible and really like it*

Forgiveness and Prayer Mark 11:25:26

25: And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone forgive him, that your father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.

26: But if you do not forgive, neither will your father in heaven forgive your tresspasses

Blessings of those who fear the lord.

Psalm 128
Blessed us everone who fears the Lord. Who walks in his ways. When you eat the labor of your hands, you will be happy and it shall be well with you.

Your wife will be like a fruitful vine. In the heart of your house, Your children will be like a olive plants All around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed, who fears the Lord.

The Lord Bless you out of Zion, and may you see the good of Jerusalem all the days of your life. Yes, May you see your childrens children.

Peace be upon Isreal!

Now I really want to ask that you all take the time to study God's word and really learn what he wants from you. He wants and needs a relationship with us, so that we can grow with him. I pray right that you may find my words and those of God's to be healing and a blessing to you. I want to share his message of Love and Hope with everyone. I pray that you all learn to walk in the ways of the Lord and become a christain and be saved and all you have to do is ask God to come into your heart and to turn from sin and read the words God has left for us here in the bible.

May God Bless You All

Thank you for reading about my journey with Skylar and with God.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012


Depressions sucks!!

I hate feeling so sad, I miss my daughter beyond words. I have felt more sad the past weekend than I have in a long time. I am feeling a little better today than I over the weekend. I still have a intense need to have her with us. I miss her every moment of the day.

Life goes on around me yet I still get caught up in the moments leading up to Skylar's birth. Some times it is very hard to go into a store and see all the baby clothes that Skylar could be wearing. I get caught up wondering what would she look like at almost 10 weeks. Would she be laughing? smiling? I miss all the little things that I will never get to experience with her.

I look at Skylar's clothes and see each little outfit that I lovingly picked out for her. Many summer dresses with little matching hats that her precious little head will never wear. Sometimes I am very angry at how unfair it was that she was taken from us. Why? What was her purpose of leaving us behind. I want her in my arms so bad. I even took a little diaper and pretended to put it on her and rock her in my arms. I guess you could call that sad and pathetic. I call it wishing my baby was here with me.

I also find myself jealous of pregnant women, It really hurts sometimes. I loved being pregnant but what I am jealous over is they get to take there baby home. I did not get that chance.

Some days I find myself wishing I could go back in time and save Skylar. She was fine that morning then my placenta failed her at 6pm. I would have gone in a lot sooner had I known what was really happening. I know I did not know what was happening yet I blame myself for failing her. I am her Mom yet I could not sustain her. My placenta worked great for 41 weeks, It grew a 8lbs 9.5oz baby girl who was healthy and then it peeled away leaving her no oxygen to survive. Why could it not have given her a chance at life? Now we go on without her and miss her more and more everyday

That is the one thing I have to work thru, It will take time, But with God we will work thru this and come out to be better people because we loved Skylar and God blessed us with her and for that I am forever grateful. Her time was short, But she made a impact that will last a lifetime and more.

We love you Skylar Jean, You are our angel.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Longing For You

It has been a little bit since I have last posted. I have been a little busy with the kids and such. We went to visit Skylar Monday. We got very lucky it was starting to storm but we still got to spend time with our little girl. We took down her old flowers and we are going to get her some new one's tomorrow. Most people find a cemetery scary, Not me I find it peaceful. I just wish more than anything that we never had to go there to visit our own daughter.

Yesterday I found a verse in the bible that I would love to share.

Isaiah 57:1
"The Righteous perish, and no man takes it to heart; Merciful men are taken away, While no one considers that the righteous is taken away from evil." NKJV

In my life lessons bible with interpertaions from Dr. Charles Stanley, It says We will never know until we get to heaven how many godly men and women have died early in life as a result of God's grace. He takes some home so that evil things might not touch them.

What a wonderful way to put it, I know Skylar and the other's babies and children who have passed early did not pass in vain. I am happy to know that she will never have evil touch her. God is watching over our precious babies and we can have true peace knowing he will never let anything happen to them and we can be reunited in heaven with them.

This brings me so much peace knowing that, Yet it does not stop the longing for Skylar. I am her mother and I wanted to be the one who held her and comforted her. The one who dried her tears, and more than anything just to hold her and look at the beauty that God allowed to be in our lives. She is beautiful and I will never forget holding her. In my own selfish heart I wanted her hear with us. I will never stop loving her and longing for her. I know one day we will be together again.

We love you Skylar now, forever and always.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Some Days

It has been almost 8 weeks since Skylar was born. To imagine I would have a 2 month old would be a blessing. It has been a long hard road, Some days I feel okay and other's I can feel the pain when I first get up.

I did have one great dream of Skylar, I was holding her head in my hands and just looking at her. I know this is her way of letting me know she is with me and is okay. I truly wish she was here with us though. I know she is with Jesus and he is taking care of her till the day we get to be with her again.

I love looking at Skylar's pictures, She is a beautiful baby. I also got to talk to another angel Mom, It feels good to connect with other Mom's who have been where I am. I just wish we all did not have to go down this road yet we do and have no choice in the matter which is the hardest part to live with.

I went to my 6 week Postpartum check up and I found out some more about the placenta abruption. I found out there was no reason why it abrupted they way it did. No infection and her cord was the right length. I don't know if this makes it easier or harder to live with. I also was told I can have more children when we want to. I know this was a major concern of mine and I am sure anyone who has lost a child to this also wonders the same thing.

 I am going to give my fears and concerns to God and he will help me with them and I have to stop looking at all the negative things and remember that everything is in God's hands and not mine. I will look to him for the answers and he will be there for us.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

My Daughter My Dear

Today is Skylar's 1st 4th of July in Heaven. Oh how I wish she was here to celebrate with us. I miss her beyond words. She was such a joy to be pregnant with, I am sure she would have been a great baby. I would love to have her by our sides. Today my husband was holding Nathan in the big La Z Boy chair and I could perfectly picture Skylar in her Daddy's right arm and Nathan in his other. I would love that if it could be. I know Skylar is going to love fireworks in Heaven, I am glad she will not be alone. The only thing I pray for is to feel Skylar this 4th of July. Let the wind blow a little stronger and let me feel the blessing of her love.

Tomorrow will also be my late 6 week check up. The Doctor had to leave early last Thursday so we have to go tomorrow.I am hoping to find out maybe why the placenta abrupted. It will help to ease some of my mind if we find out.

So I end this post today with, We love you Skylar now, forever and always.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Six Week Checkup and The Fairness of Life

Thursday I will go to the OB for my six week checkup. Has six weeks passed? Some days it feels like a year, Some just a few days. Other times I wonder if I dreamed Skylar up? Was she just a beautiful angel I was pregnant with in a dream? I sure hope not, Then I have the pain of losing her. I know that is all to real. Some days are better than other's, Easier never just different. Some days I feel okay and other days it is a all day long lingering sadness.

I miss everything that should have been, Would have been. The little outfits that were Skylar's sit on the dresser never to be touched by her. I do have some outfits she wore when the wonderful photographer from came and took her pictures. There are no word to express how truly grateful I am for the NILMDTS organization. Skylar was born at almost 11pm and our wonderful photographer came and a little while afterwards and took her pictures. They are something I will truly treasure for the rest of my life and I cannot wait to get them printed out and hang them up.

Back on the OB front, What made Skylar pass away was a placenta abruption. I was 41 weeks pregnant with her. I will one day type up her birth story, Right now is not the time. It is a very hard thing to process and that is why I am will write her birthstory later.

The other thing is sometimes life hands us situations that are very unfair. With Skylar's passing it is not fair that we don't get to raise our daughter. To see her little smile and her face, We will only have memories of the best 13 hours of our life. Time is so short and 13 hours will never be enough.

There are times I see newborn babies who are about the same age as Skylar and it makes me cry so hard. I cry for all that we have lost and will never have. I truly hope that everyone who has children and babies hold them tighter, kiss them more, Hold them. Truly enjoy all that you have for one day you will not have that. I am so very thankful for our six other children and love them immensley. Yet I will always long for our seventh child our beautiful Skylar. I know many have seen this saying and Iwill post it here for it truly reflects what we had.

Some can only dream angels, Yet we held one in our arms.

Truer words have not be spoken, For Skylar is our angel and we truly hope when the day comes to have another baby. That she will be his/her gaurdian angel.

We Love You Skylar Jean our very own Angel.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Grief and Time

I miss you more each day, They say time heals all wounds. I am sorry to say time will not heal this one.
Each day makes me miss Skylar more, At 5 weeks after her birth I still have milk meant for Skylar. I wish
she was here to drink the milk. I want to hold her in my arms so bad, I know instead of us holding her
she is holding us. Grief is a strange thing, the other day I was so mad at everything. What I was really mad
at was because I was missing Skylar. That is one thing I have to learn to channel to good instead of being mean. I don't want to make Skylar's death something I will be bitter about, I really don't feel that way. She was such a precious gift that I will never be bitter about the wonderful 41 weeks we spent together. She and I will always be a team, Only thing is I am left here on Earth while she is glory with Jesus. I am so glad she is waiting for us in heaven. Not saying that I would rather have her here with us which I do more than anything.

Grief is a weird thing, It sneaks up on you whenever it sees fit. Today for example my older children had a little show for their vacation bible school at church. The pastor who did Skylar's service was there. It made me sad, As the last time we saw him was at service. I know people don't know what to say or what to do when a baby dies. Yet, When he came to the hospital and saw us and saw me holding Skylar he had a awful look on his face that I will never forget. He also kept staring at her, I knew she was gone yet I would never not hold her. She is my daughter who I love so much and miss everyday. For him to stare like that hurt me deeply and I am not sure how to process that. I won't harbor any nasty feeling for him, I think they need to train pastor's a little bit on how to help families that lose children.

To get back to what I was saying, I also saw a women who had a little baby. Maybe about 2-3 months old. The little girl was young enough that she still had the newborn cry. So sweet and absolutely heartbreaking for me. I would like nothing more than to to have my newborn baby with me there. I would have been so sweet. Seeing that baby made me cry and I had to turn away from the baby. I would have loved to run out of there. The toughest part of us losing Skylar is just dealing with babies and knowing we should have our daughter here. I would love to have a sweet smelling little bundle here with us. I will just have to learn to deal with them and know one day we will have have another baby yet that baby will not take Skylar's place. She always has a place in our hearts and that will never change. We just would like to have a little joy and that's what a baby can bring to us.

Just to end this post, Skylar our beautiful darling baby. We love you forever and always and miss you terribly. Please keep us in your thoughts as we do with you and let Jesus know we love him and you so much. Tell him to hold you tight till we are with you all again. Love Always, Mommy and Daddy

Monday, June 18, 2012

Happy 1 Month Birthday Skylar

To my little princess, Happy 1 month birthday in heaven. You blessed me this morning by giving me a dream about you. While you were not in it, It still was about you. I miss you all the time yet today I am feeling good. I always look towards the sky to see if you give me any signs you are with me. When we went to the zoo I saw the letter S in the sky and it reminded me of you. Never was a more precious gift given to me than to have you in my life. You are my blessing and for that I am truly grateful. I love you forever and can't wait to see you again. Skylar, the one thing I ask is when we do have another little brother or sister for you please keep watch over them. I will always let everyone know about you. You don't bring me pain you bring me love and for that I am truly grateful. Happy Birthday Skylar Jean we love you.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Missing You

Today has been a very hard day for me, I am sure has been very hard for your Daddy as well. We should be celebrating your first Father's Day with us. Instead we are with your brother's and sister's missing you. While we are blessed in having them and having you, We are also very sad you are not with us. Some days are easier than other's for both of us. I think for me it is the whole unknown questions that eat at me. I wish I had answer's yet I don't, Hopefully we will get more answers. When I get to missing Skylar I rub my hands on her blanket and it makes me feel more connected to her. I know she was sent here for a reason and I do believe for myself that God has brought us closer to him at this time. It feels wonderful to have a closer relationship with him. I think it also has made me a better person, I am becoming less judgemental and willing to be more accepting of people. I am grateful for that, I also think it has helped me to not be so materialistic. I always wanted the "rich" type stuff.

The Juicy Couture purse, The Coach purse which sits unused on my dresser. Wanting what I could not afford. Yet wanting all these material things. That now hold no meaning whatsoever to me. I wish I could have seen that before. My eyes were clouded over with greed and selfishness that could only be overcome by God's help. He sent our Skylar to help open our eyes, I will keep them wide open now instead of being so close minded. She was a special gift that I wish I could have kept. Such a beautiful little baby. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her and long for her. I love Skylar so much, She is a special baby and always will be. I found this quote from the book "Love You Forever by Robert Munsch" It goes perfectly with how I feel about Skylar.  "I love forever, I like you for always, As long as I'm living my baby you'll be" This book was dedicated to the author's own two children who were stillborn.

To end this post I am going to say a very special Happy Father's Day to my wonderful husband. Without you I am nothing, you are so very special and you will never know how very much you mean to me and our children. You have been the very best help thru all of this and I could not have made it this far without you. I love you forever and always will.

Friday, June 15, 2012

The 4th Friday

It has been 4 Fridays since Skylar was born, How can that be? If anyone asked can you survive the death of your child? I would be the first to tell them I would probably be crazy and I could not survive it. Yet here I am 4 weeks later, Although Skylar will be 1 month in Heaven on Monday. I have tons of questions about her birth that hopefully we will find some answers to. Mainly I sit here wishing and wanting her here so bad. I cannot fathom how we were chosen for this journey. It is a sucky one for sure. I went into the closet today where all Skylar's stuff sits, Unused. So cruel, The beautiful pink cover for the pack and play, Her car seat, swing and baby bath tub. All will not be used by Skylar. I so wish it would have been, I will forever miss her. We hope one day her little sister or brother could use her stuff. Today I cried a little more for you than the past few days. The dream I had of you the other day only left me longing for you. I know it would be true if Jesus brought you to me and let me have you just for 5 minutes I know I would not give you back. I am grateful to Jesus to have taken our sins and washed them clean so that you may live in heaven forever with him and wait until we are there with you. I am greatful to God to bless me with your brothers and sisters to help keep me sain. I love them all so much and I know they all would have loved you Skylar so much. They loved to pat your bottom in my stomach to try to get you to move. Skylar please know that while I long for another baby they will never replace you. I love you so much and would never do that. I want you, Another baby would bring us a little healing. I just want you to know we always think of you no matter what time it is. I miss you more and more each day, While we are slowy getting used to the idea you were here only a short time. We will always dream of what you could be doing. Please keep watch from heaven on us, We love you and always and forever miss you.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I Miss You

There are no words I can say to tell you how much I miss you. My heart aches for you, We all miss you and forever will. I just want you back, I looked at your pictures today and I am so happy one of them has you with the little white things newborns get on there nose. You are such a beautiful baby and I will miss not holding you here on earth. I mean I did get to hold you and those were the best 13 hours of my life. I will love you all of my days and beyond. I had such joy being pregnant with you. Skylar you are our angel and we will always love you.

Monday, June 11, 2012

3 Weeks Where Have You Been?

In 3 short weeks I have become someone I don't know. I am still a Mom yet I am not, I should be holding my 3 week old baby girl. We should be nursing and changing diapers all the time. Not that Jacob and Nathan don't need to be changed. It's just different, I so badly want my baby back, My beautiful daughter. I miss Skylar all the time, It sucks to wake up sad and not know why until you remember "oh wait Skylar is not here" I dreamed of her for 41 long weeks. Now I have nothing, The car seat we bought sits in the bedroom now with no baby to fill the seat. The swing I picked out and wanted so bad now sits also in the bedroom covered. I want Skylar to fill it's empty seat, Now she will never be there except in my heart and dreams. The one thing I have not done yet and want to, is to go to the cemetery to visit Skylar. That is one thing no parent should ever have to do. I am afraid I will go there and never want to leave Skylar. It was such a blessing to be pregnant with her, My husband and I always imagined what Skylar would look like. She came out they way we thought, Looking just like her big sister Sydney. Fat cheeks, Dark hair and tan skin. She is a beautiful baby and one day in Heaven we will be together again forever and that makes me feel good. Although the best feeling would have been to be together here on earth.

I always wanted another daughter and after 4 boys we finally got our little girl. I was so ready for little dresses and hair bows. The only thing we got to pick out for Skylar was what outfit and blanket she would be buried with. We chose a little night gown with flowers and and her little damask print on one side and pink on the other with pink satin trim. We are lucky enough that that lady who made her blanket was kind enough to make us another. The hardest thing I have ever done was to hand over our precious daughter to a nurse to be taken to the funeral home. I did not want to let her go, I can now see why Mother animals curl there bodies around there young. To protect and love them like no other, I will always love Skylar she was given to my husband and I for a short time but made the biggest impact us. She really has turned me to God more, I guess I could be angry at God but I am not. He gave me Skylar and what a precious gift that was and he also gave me eternal life so I can spend it with Skylar and our family.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

I hate Nerves!!!

I hate that terrible welling up of nerves that I get sometimes. For two days I did great, Not one panic attack at all. Now today I woke up missing Skylar so much. Looking at my beautiful Skylar made me sad of all that I am missing out on with her. I am afraid to be without my husband and I know he has to work which sucks but he has to do it. I guess this is our new normal life, Forever missing our sweet baby girl. I guess for me it is missing all her movements in my tummy. I wish that we could have had her come home with us. I know she will be our angel forever and I am grateful she is with Jesus. Yet we will always wish she was with us. This blog is a great outlet for me to write my feelings down. Skylar we miss you and love you. Please keep watch over your Daddy and I, Help us to grow closer to God and bless us with another baby. We love you sweetheart.

Friday, June 1, 2012

My Baby Should be 2 Weeks Old

Where to start, I hate to even try to start something like this. My beautiful baby girl Skylar Jean was born 2 weeks ago tonight. She should be 2 weeks old here on earth. Instead she is 2 weeks old in Heaven. I am still so sad, I should have taken my sweet baby with us to the zoo today. She should have been carried in the green moby wrap we got for her. I should be worrying will she be to hot. Not worrying how I am going to visit her spot in a cemetary. I miss you so much and feel so sad without you. Although I know I have to go on, It is hard. What is the worst is the panic attacks that come when my husband leaves. I can manage with phone calls to the one's I love and I feel better. If there is one good thing to come of your passing my darling it is I am more closer to God now. I pray a lot and I am even reading the bible more. We are planning on starting to go to church Sunday. I really feel a huge pull to God now. I will forever be missing you Skylar, Yet I hope you can send us a angel baby to give us hope. I know I can never replace you nor would I ever want to. I just would like a baby to care for and bring me peace. Although with God I find peace and I know we will be blessed please know dear Skylar we love you more than words can say. For now I will remember you with love and know we will see you one day in Heaven. I love you Skylar forever and beyone.