Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Happy 4 Months In Heaven

Where do I even begin?

Today is Skylar's 4 month Birthday in Heaven. I have so many mixed emotions about her birthday.

It is not only the day she was born but also the day she earned her angel wings. For me the hardest part is saying she was stillborn. I mean she was alive that morning and gone by 6pm. It is surreal to know you actually gave birth to a child you never took one breath on earth.

Sometimes I feel stuck in time, It's like on May 18, 2012 my world just stopped. I am moving just in different way. Everyone is going at a super fast pace and here I am still grieving and reeling from this.

I have a picture of Skylar I printed out from our wonderful photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I have the picture on my dresser in a little silver and pink frame.

It is sad all we have to show of Skylar is a picture in a frame. Some days I need more than just a picture. I look thru all the pictures and it make me realize she was not just a dream. She was a real baby, A beautiful baby.

I see the little white spots on her nose and see the little hair on her legs and it seems so more real to me.

It's those pictures that reduce me to hug sobs and tears, All because I realize I don't get to have her here with us.

I stare at all Skylar's little clothes sitting in the little clear Rubbermaid box. All folded waiting on the baby who will never come home to wear them.

Some days life is agonizing to live without her, I should be worrying about getting her ready to take the kids to school. Instead I worry about what to put on her grave marker. There is no way I should have to be thinking about that.

I worry that the kids will not remember her or think I handled the grief in a terrible way. I do cry and miss her terribly. Yet I want to make her memory to me more than sadness.

I also worry about getting pregnant, I never had a problem before and I don't think I have one now. Just some days that's all I can think about. I worry about everything, The simple and meaningless take on a new role of pure mind torment.

I think about Skylar all the time, She consumes my everything. A baby so sweet and beautiful should be here in my arms. I should be feeding her and taking care of her.

There are days I wonder what would she be doing right? Would she be smiling of course, Would she be rolling over yet? What would she weigh now? Would her hair stay dark? I would have hoped so.

I can only dream of that now, One day we will be together for now I dream on and live my life and love more for her. I changed for the better because Jesus hold my little Skylar till the day he calls us home.

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