Friday, June 22, 2012

Grief and Time

I miss you more each day, They say time heals all wounds. I am sorry to say time will not heal this one.
Each day makes me miss Skylar more, At 5 weeks after her birth I still have milk meant for Skylar. I wish
she was here to drink the milk. I want to hold her in my arms so bad, I know instead of us holding her
she is holding us. Grief is a strange thing, the other day I was so mad at everything. What I was really mad
at was because I was missing Skylar. That is one thing I have to learn to channel to good instead of being mean. I don't want to make Skylar's death something I will be bitter about, I really don't feel that way. She was such a precious gift that I will never be bitter about the wonderful 41 weeks we spent together. She and I will always be a team, Only thing is I am left here on Earth while she is glory with Jesus. I am so glad she is waiting for us in heaven. Not saying that I would rather have her here with us which I do more than anything.

Grief is a weird thing, It sneaks up on you whenever it sees fit. Today for example my older children had a little show for their vacation bible school at church. The pastor who did Skylar's service was there. It made me sad, As the last time we saw him was at service. I know people don't know what to say or what to do when a baby dies. Yet, When he came to the hospital and saw us and saw me holding Skylar he had a awful look on his face that I will never forget. He also kept staring at her, I knew she was gone yet I would never not hold her. She is my daughter who I love so much and miss everyday. For him to stare like that hurt me deeply and I am not sure how to process that. I won't harbor any nasty feeling for him, I think they need to train pastor's a little bit on how to help families that lose children.

To get back to what I was saying, I also saw a women who had a little baby. Maybe about 2-3 months old. The little girl was young enough that she still had the newborn cry. So sweet and absolutely heartbreaking for me. I would like nothing more than to to have my newborn baby with me there. I would have been so sweet. Seeing that baby made me cry and I had to turn away from the baby. I would have loved to run out of there. The toughest part of us losing Skylar is just dealing with babies and knowing we should have our daughter here. I would love to have a sweet smelling little bundle here with us. I will just have to learn to deal with them and know one day we will have have another baby yet that baby will not take Skylar's place. She always has a place in our hearts and that will never change. We just would like to have a little joy and that's what a baby can bring to us.

Just to end this post, Skylar our beautiful darling baby. We love you forever and always and miss you terribly. Please keep us in your thoughts as we do with you and let Jesus know we love him and you so much. Tell him to hold you tight till we are with you all again. Love Always, Mommy and Daddy

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