Monday, June 11, 2012

3 Weeks Where Have You Been?

In 3 short weeks I have become someone I don't know. I am still a Mom yet I am not, I should be holding my 3 week old baby girl. We should be nursing and changing diapers all the time. Not that Jacob and Nathan don't need to be changed. It's just different, I so badly want my baby back, My beautiful daughter. I miss Skylar all the time, It sucks to wake up sad and not know why until you remember "oh wait Skylar is not here" I dreamed of her for 41 long weeks. Now I have nothing, The car seat we bought sits in the bedroom now with no baby to fill the seat. The swing I picked out and wanted so bad now sits also in the bedroom covered. I want Skylar to fill it's empty seat, Now she will never be there except in my heart and dreams. The one thing I have not done yet and want to, is to go to the cemetery to visit Skylar. That is one thing no parent should ever have to do. I am afraid I will go there and never want to leave Skylar. It was such a blessing to be pregnant with her, My husband and I always imagined what Skylar would look like. She came out they way we thought, Looking just like her big sister Sydney. Fat cheeks, Dark hair and tan skin. She is a beautiful baby and one day in Heaven we will be together again forever and that makes me feel good. Although the best feeling would have been to be together here on earth.

I always wanted another daughter and after 4 boys we finally got our little girl. I was so ready for little dresses and hair bows. The only thing we got to pick out for Skylar was what outfit and blanket she would be buried with. We chose a little night gown with flowers and and her little damask print on one side and pink on the other with pink satin trim. We are lucky enough that that lady who made her blanket was kind enough to make us another. The hardest thing I have ever done was to hand over our precious daughter to a nurse to be taken to the funeral home. I did not want to let her go, I can now see why Mother animals curl there bodies around there young. To protect and love them like no other, I will always love Skylar she was given to my husband and I for a short time but made the biggest impact us. She really has turned me to God more, I guess I could be angry at God but I am not. He gave me Skylar and what a precious gift that was and he also gave me eternal life so I can spend it with Skylar and our family.

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