Just Love, and God's Blessings

As I look back on Skylar's birth I am filled with so many regrets. Not on having her, For that I will never have any regrets. Not even if God chose to keep Skylar in heaven I would not ever regret having her. She was a pure joy to be pregnant with, I will never forget how she liked to lay on my left side. I will love her forever, I wish everyone could have got to hold her and love her as much as we do. She is now our guardian angel and will be keeping us safe instead of the other way around.

I sometimes feel cheated with Skylar's death, She was my baby and I wanted to hold her forever. I guess in one way I do. She is in my heart forever and one day we will be together forever.

Some days I get questions in my head that I would love to know. Did Skylar know how much she was wanted and loved? Did she know she was the most wanted baby? Especially after having 4 boys and finally another little girl to add to our family. Another baby to love, I love her name Skylar Jean, such a beautiful name for such a beautiful baby. One who is forever missed and forever loved.

The previous post was written a few days ago and I still wanted to share it with this post.

Today I recieved a true calling from God, I feel so strong about sharing a message of his love with everyone. I have never felt like this before and I know this is God wanting to share his good news with everyone.

There is never a time he is not with us, I know he was holding our hands and our hearts when we found out Skylar was gone. I know that without a doubt, He knows the innermost workings of our hearts and he knew how awful we were going to feel about losing her. The pain of losing your child is indescribable, Then to go on and have to birth your child is something I will never forget. I know Jesus was with us holding us as we held our beautiful angel baby. She was too perfect for this earth and we should rejoice in the fact that she will never know pain or hurt, Just Love. She was loved while she was being knit together in my womb. It is amazing the strength God has given us during this time. I was sure when the doctor told me that Skylar was gone, I was sure I was going to be crazy. At times maybe it feels like I am, Yet I know God will never leave or forsake me and he is with me when the tears are coming more and more and don't know when to stop. I woke up today with the emptiness that comes with losing your child. I feel this everyday, Yet today was a little worse as I watched maternity ward on DHC and saw newborn babies and it came flooding back to me about Skylar. I will never see her grow from a baby into a toddler then into a child a preteen teenager then adult. I will remember my little well not so little daughter. She will be my forever baby, Always with me and never leaving my side. I would honestly give everything I have to have her here with us. That is why I am giving God the one thing I know he wants more than anything. Me!

I want to share some scriptures with everyone that will hopefully share God message of love with you all.

I credit all scriptures to the Bible and the one I am using is the New King James Version and Life Principals Bible with interpertations by Dr. Charles Stanley. I suggest to you all this bible as it really is great at interpertaing God's word and really teaching you what the bible is saying. * I am in no way associated with the Dr. Charles Stanley and In Touch Ministrys, Just found this bible and really like it*

Forgiveness and Prayer Mark 11:25:26

25: And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone forgive him, that your father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.

26: But if you do not forgive, neither will your father in heaven forgive your tresspasses

Blessings of those who fear the lord.

Psalm 128
Blessed us everone who fears the Lord. Who walks in his ways. When you eat the labor of your hands, you will be happy and it shall be well with you.

Your wife will be like a fruitful vine. In the heart of your house, Your children will be like a olive plants All around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed, who fears the Lord.

The Lord Bless you out of Zion, and may you see the good of Jerusalem all the days of your life. Yes, May you see your childrens children.

Peace be upon Isreal!

Now I really want to ask that you all take the time to study God's word and really learn what he wants from you. He wants and needs a relationship with us, so that we can grow with him. I pray right that you may find my words and those of God's to be healing and a blessing to you. I want to share his message of Love and Hope with everyone. I pray that you all learn to walk in the ways of the Lord and become a christain and be saved and all you have to do is ask God to come into your heart and to turn from sin and read the words God has left for us here in the bible.

May God Bless You All

Thank you for reading about my journey with Skylar and with God.

Depression

Depressions sucks!!

I hate feeling so sad, I miss my daughter beyond words. I have felt more sad the past weekend than I have in a long time. I am feeling a little better today than I over the weekend. I still have a intense need to have her with us. I miss her every moment of the day.

Life goes on around me yet I still get caught up in the moments leading up to Skylar's birth. Some times it is very hard to go into a store and see all the baby clothes that Skylar could be wearing. I get caught up wondering what would she look like at almost 10 weeks. Would she be laughing? smiling? I miss all the little things that I will never get to experience with her.

I look at Skylar's clothes and see each little outfit that I lovingly picked out for her. Many summer dresses with little matching hats that her precious little head will never wear. Sometimes I am very angry at how unfair it was that she was taken from us. Why? What was her purpose of leaving us behind. I want her in my arms so bad. I even took a little diaper and pretended to put it on her and rock her in my arms. I guess you could call that sad and pathetic. I call it wishing my baby was here with me.

I also find myself jealous of pregnant women, It really hurts sometimes. I loved being pregnant but what I am jealous over is they get to take there baby home. I did not get that chance.

Some days I find myself wishing I could go back in time and save Skylar. She was fine that morning then my placenta failed her at 6pm. I would have gone in a lot sooner had I known what was really happening. I know I did not know what was happening yet I blame myself for failing her. I am her Mom yet I could not sustain her. My placenta worked great for 41 weeks, It grew a 8lbs 9.5oz baby girl who was healthy and then it peeled away leaving her no oxygen to survive. Why could it not have given her a chance at life? Now we go on without her and miss her more and more everyday

That is the one thing I have to work thru, It will take time, But with God we will work thru this and come out to be better people because we loved Skylar and God blessed us with her and for that I am forever grateful. Her time was short, But she made a impact that will last a lifetime and more.

We love you Skylar Jean, You are our angel.

Longing For You

It has been a little bit since I have last posted. I have been a little busy with the kids and such. We went to visit Skylar Monday. We got very lucky it was starting to storm but we still got to spend time with our little girl. We took down her old flowers and we are going to get her some new one's tomorrow. Most people find a cemetery scary, Not me I find it peaceful. I just wish more than anything that we never had to go there to visit our own daughter.

Yesterday I found a verse in the bible that I would love to share.

Isaiah 57:1
"The Righteous perish, and no man takes it to heart; Merciful men are taken away, While no one considers that the righteous is taken away from evil." NKJV

In my life lessons bible with interpertaions from Dr. Charles Stanley, It says We will never know until we get to heaven how many godly men and women have died early in life as a result of God's grace. He takes some home so that evil things might not touch them.

What a wonderful way to put it, I know Skylar and the other's babies and children who have passed early did not pass in vain. I am happy to know that she will never have evil touch her. God is watching over our precious babies and we can have true peace knowing he will never let anything happen to them and we can be reunited in heaven with them.

This brings me so much peace knowing that, Yet it does not stop the longing for Skylar. I am her mother and I wanted to be the one who held her and comforted her. The one who dried her tears, and more than anything just to hold her and look at the beauty that God allowed to be in our lives. She is beautiful and I will never forget holding her. In my own selfish heart I wanted her hear with us. I will never stop loving her and longing for her. I know one day we will be together again.

We love you Skylar now, forever and always.

Some Days

It has been almost 8 weeks since Skylar was born. To imagine I would have a 2 month old would be a blessing. It has been a long hard road, Some days I feel okay and other's I can feel the pain when I first get up.

I did have one great dream of Skylar, I was holding her head in my hands and just looking at her. I know this is her way of letting me know she is with me and is okay. I truly wish she was here with us though. I know she is with Jesus and he is taking care of her till the day we get to be with her again.

I love looking at Skylar's pictures, She is a beautiful baby. I also got to talk to another angel Mom, It feels good to connect with other Mom's who have been where I am. I just wish we all did not have to go down this road yet we do and have no choice in the matter which is the hardest part to live with.

I went to my 6 week Postpartum check up and I found out some more about the placenta abruption. I found out there was no reason why it abrupted they way it did. No infection and her cord was the right length. I don't know if this makes it easier or harder to live with. I also was told I can have more children when we want to. I know this was a major concern of mine and I am sure anyone who has lost a child to this also wonders the same thing.

 I am going to give my fears and concerns to God and he will help me with them and I have to stop looking at all the negative things and remember that everything is in God's hands and not mine. I will look to him for the answers and he will be there for us.

My Daughter My Dear

Today is Skylar's 1st 4th of July in Heaven. Oh how I wish she was here to celebrate with us. I miss her beyond words. She was such a joy to be pregnant with, I am sure she would have been a great baby. I would love to have her by our sides. Today my husband was holding Nathan in the big La Z Boy chair and I could perfectly picture Skylar in her Daddy's right arm and Nathan in his other. I would love that if it could be. I know Skylar is going to love fireworks in Heaven, I am glad she will not be alone. The only thing I pray for is to feel Skylar this 4th of July. Let the wind blow a little stronger and let me feel the blessing of her love.

Tomorrow will also be my late 6 week check up. The Doctor had to leave early last Thursday so we have to go tomorrow.I am hoping to find out maybe why the placenta abrupted. It will help to ease some of my mind if we find out.

So I end this post today with, We love you Skylar now, forever and always.

Six Week Checkup and The Fairness of Life

Thursday I will go to the OB for my six week checkup. Has six weeks passed? Some days it feels like a year, Some just a few days. Other times I wonder if I dreamed Skylar up? Was she just a beautiful angel I was pregnant with in a dream? I sure hope not, Then I have the pain of losing her. I know that is all to real. Some days are better than other's, Easier never just different. Some days I feel okay and other days it is a all day long lingering sadness.

I miss everything that should have been, Would have been. The little outfits that were Skylar's sit on the dresser never to be touched by her. I do have some outfits she wore when the wonderful photographer from www.NILMDTS.org came and took her pictures. There are no word to express how truly grateful I am for the NILMDTS organization. Skylar was born at almost 11pm and our wonderful photographer came and a little while afterwards and took her pictures. They are something I will truly treasure for the rest of my life and I cannot wait to get them printed out and hang them up.

Back on the OB front, What made Skylar pass away was a placenta abruption. I was 41 weeks pregnant with her. I will one day type up her birth story, Right now is not the time. It is a very hard thing to process and that is why I am will write her birthstory later.

The other thing is sometimes life hands us situations that are very unfair. With Skylar's passing it is not fair that we don't get to raise our daughter. To see her little smile and her face, We will only have memories of the best 13 hours of our life. Time is so short and 13 hours will never be enough.

There are times I see newborn babies who are about the same age as Skylar and it makes me cry so hard. I cry for all that we have lost and will never have. I truly hope that everyone who has children and babies hold them tighter, kiss them more, Hold them. Truly enjoy all that you have for one day you will not have that. I am so very thankful for our six other children and love them immensley. Yet I will always long for our seventh child our beautiful Skylar. I know many have seen this saying and Iwill post it here for it truly reflects what we had.

Some can only dream angels, Yet we held one in our arms.

Truer words have not be spoken, For Skylar is our angel and we truly hope when the day comes to have another baby. That she will be his/her gaurdian angel.

We Love You Skylar Jean our very own Angel.

Grief and Time

I miss you more each day, They say time heals all wounds. I am sorry to say time will not heal this one.
Each day makes me miss Skylar more, At 5 weeks after her birth I still have milk meant for Skylar. I wish
she was here to drink the milk. I want to hold her in my arms so bad, I know instead of us holding her
she is holding us. Grief is a strange thing, the other day I was so mad at everything. What I was really mad
at was because I was missing Skylar. That is one thing I have to learn to channel to good instead of being mean. I don't want to make Skylar's death something I will be bitter about, I really don't feel that way. She was such a precious gift that I will never be bitter about the wonderful 41 weeks we spent together. She and I will always be a team, Only thing is I am left here on Earth while she is glory with Jesus. I am so glad she is waiting for us in heaven. Not saying that I would rather have her here with us which I do more than anything.

Grief is a weird thing, It sneaks up on you whenever it sees fit. Today for example my older children had a little show for their vacation bible school at church. The pastor who did Skylar's service was there. It made me sad, As the last time we saw him was at service. I know people don't know what to say or what to do when a baby dies. Yet, When he came to the hospital and saw us and saw me holding Skylar he had a awful look on his face that I will never forget. He also kept staring at her, I knew she was gone yet I would never not hold her. She is my daughter who I love so much and miss everyday. For him to stare like that hurt me deeply and I am not sure how to process that. I won't harbor any nasty feeling for him, I think they need to train pastor's a little bit on how to help families that lose children.

To get back to what I was saying, I also saw a women who had a little baby. Maybe about 2-3 months old. The little girl was young enough that she still had the newborn cry. So sweet and absolutely heartbreaking for me. I would like nothing more than to to have my newborn baby with me there. I would have been so sweet. Seeing that baby made me cry and I had to turn away from the baby. I would have loved to run out of there. The toughest part of us losing Skylar is just dealing with babies and knowing we should have our daughter here. I would love to have a sweet smelling little bundle here with us. I will just have to learn to deal with them and know one day we will have have another baby yet that baby will not take Skylar's place. She always has a place in our hearts and that will never change. We just would like to have a little joy and that's what a baby can bring to us.

Just to end this post, Skylar our beautiful darling baby. We love you forever and always and miss you terribly. Please keep us in your thoughts as we do with you and let Jesus know we love him and you so much. Tell him to hold you tight till we are with you all again. Love Always, Mommy and Daddy